Basketball Commentator Gifts

'When you said, Dream Team, I thought you meant the Swiss Bikini Team.'

"I see you worked for Donald Sterling and learned how to double the value of your business through scurrilous remarks..."

"Good game."

'Reading, writing and arithmetic are important, son. Someday you might sign autographs for money.'

"Break his third chakra!" "Knock the dharma out of him!"

Missing Persons...'I'm not sure when she disappeared - sometime during the football season.'

"Let's go watch TV I hear there are bowl games on."

What McWit lacks in speed he gains in nose.

'These goalscoring celebrations are getting out of hand.'

"Now we move over to the sports desk."

"I always forget what an expert I am in curling."

I think you're ace

'At least now the injury worries are over, we can concentrate on slagging off the team.'

'He's got abdominal pain, dizziness and soreness in his extremities. I'll know more when I see X-rays...'

Perils of the double play.

United Football Club: In, Out, VAR.

'The 'Leviathan Bat,' or many centuried marvel of the modern (cricket) world. (Dr. William Gilbert Grace.)'

Sport: Crisis in the Real Madrid.

Kenny Dalglish

'And now on the comedy channel Jose Mourinho's latest outburst.'

'Why do they call him Neckline Ned.' - 'He's always plunging down the middle but never showing anything.'

"All those training sessions, seminars and studies... ... to reinforce the reality of womens equality and extirpate any remnants of a deluded belief in male superiority When all we had to do was show them Rachel Daly doing a bicycle kick GASP!"

'Wow! That's got to be some sort of record!'

'And with this one I scored 138 not out...every one off the edge.'

'Wait! Let's see if he gets up on his own.'

Novak Djokovic has his visa denied to play in Australia as he is unvaccinated

"You may inflict pain, but it mustn't be severe or prolonged."

"Well I didn't see the incident myself.."

Tennis ball girl.

'You know our track team stinks when our star pole vaulter is better at the limbo.'

"Getting the ball in the hole on the first swing is good isn't it?"

Ok, ok, maybe you guys are right - maybe I do have a concussion.

American Football.

'The Wilsons picked up a quarterback in the off-season. The Riveras picked up a quarterback. The Ludwigs picked up a quaterback...'

Joey Barton's red card wins Premiership League for Manchester City.