Barrel Philosopher Pillows

Diogenes and the Greek Crisis

'No standing while room is in motion.'

'You wanted to be a wine maker in the worst way, Paul - and you've succeeded.'

'A man has to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink!'

"Mr. McMurdo has been called 'guilty as the day is long.' And yet, do not biblical scholars tell us a day can mean many things?"

"I lost some intellectual property here last night. Anybody remember what the hell I was talking about?"

"You can't offend me. I never mix religion or politics with reality."

"I liked it better when it was 'don't ask, don't tell the New York Times'."

'Hold on there Jethro! You know I don't tolerate that kind of horseplay in this joint.'

"Events seem to be headed in the right direction. Unfortunately, it's not taking me with it."

'My thesis was entitled 'Tears of a Clown: Irony or Paradox?''

"Been there, drunk that."

'I was in the right place at the right time once, and then I realized it wasn't ME.'

"Do you believe the world is all an illusion?" "I know it is. I know it can be bent by our collective will. When I was born, there were horses and buggies in the streets. But as soon as we all believed we could do it, we went to the moon." "Oh, I agree. That's why I'm trying to get the whole internet to retweet 'It's possible to upload our minds into immortal robot bodies.' If the entire hive mind of Earth tweets that at the same time, it's got to come true." "I hope not. I'd hate for you to end

"The worst thing about having aliens abduct you is that they say they’re going to call, but they never do."

'Somebody's got to be kidding,'

'Well,we had a good run.' - Worldwide Hops Shortage.

"It just happens...one day you wake up and you find that your best billable hours are behind you."

''Congress shall make no law'... now, I wonder what they meant by that...?'

My first mistake.

"I've joined a wine-lovers club. . . so far there are only three members."

'Get the theatre ready we got another one from the cocktail bar.'

I can have any woman I please - trouble is, these days they're almost impossible to please.

"Real estate values soar, cute boutiques proliferate, fine cuisine abounds. These are exciting times to live in Hoboken."

"I've been bounced a few times, but never deposed."

'When he drinks too much he starts eating bollocks.'

"Do you know what we need? We need drinking songs."

"I've become so good at dating—relationships that used to take months now last a matter of days."

'Your wife doesn't understand you. . .'

"I love marriage...It's my husband I hate."

'One thing about beer -- you never get buyer's remorse.'

'I drink to bring about change.'

"I know what women want. Her lawyer told me."

Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I think I know where you're going with this: Yes, he was talking about happy hour.

'How many husbands have I had? Do you mean excluding my own?'