Bariatric Surgeon Pillows

'I think my gastric band's too tight.'

"A gastric band is a sophisticated medical procedure...THAT is a tight belt."

It's time people too some personal responsibility for getting their stomachs stapled.

"Do you have one in silver?"

'With your budget and insurance, Mr. Hefler, maybe you should consider this less invasive alternative to stomach stapling.'

"What I actually suggested was a GASTRIC band..."

'Honey, I wish you wouldn't bring your work home with you!'

Heart surgeon tastooing patients heart with "Love".

"If you don't want stitches, that's fine. Suture self."

'OK, the old one's in my right hand, the donor's in my left. Rght?'

'Is there another doctor in the house? He wants a second opinion.'

"I've done this procedure so often I could do it in my sleep. But that's only happened twice – that I'll admit to."

Doctor describes inside guts while patient has black thoughts.

Ice Cream Surgeon

"Until the plaster sets, try not to laugh."

"And I want you to meet Coco, your anesthesiologist."

"I'm afraid we'll have to operate. Your appendix has an infection and it's extremely aggressive."

Someone who knows apostrophes

Doctor pulling golf caddy sees patient pulling oxygen caddy.

'I don't believe it. Five minutes after he gets the darn thing, he has an arrest!'

Swiss army hospital...'scalpel...'

Surgeon finds a doohickey on the patient's thingamabob.

'My mom's the greatest surgeon this side of Mayo brothers.'

Haute Suture

'He's been like this ever since he had his laser eye treatment.'

'But they told me to take her down to theatre...'

'ooh! A womb with a view.'

'Maybe it is psychosomatic.'

There's no such thing as a triple carburetor bypass!

"That's an awfully large small intestine and an awfully small large intestine."

"Surgery up here is free!"

Robodoc... the NHS surgeon of the future.

"She fell down stairs again, so this is her third hip."

The operation was going extremely well, but then very unexpectedly, he got trampled.

"In case something happens during the surgery and you become incapacitated, have you designated someone to make poor life choices on your behalf?"