Barbecue Humorist Gifts

"Isn't it great to get out of the kitchen and cook in the fresh air!"

Life with a professional baseball catcher.

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

''ere - I thought you said your pans were non-stick!'

"He could have been the national bird, but that was a long, long time ago."

Wok. Don't Wok.

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

'I met my wife in unfortunate circumstances. I was single.'

"Your soup is delicious. The broth perfectly compliments the font."

"What other tricks does he need?"

'I was in the catering corps.'

"Bottled, tap or toilet water?"

'Will I have to be a mum when I grow up?'

'Okay, kids...time for your bath.'

"The finger bowl is courtesy of the gentleman."

'How do you stop a fish from smelling?'

'Lets all thank Martha for her very innovative 'Hot Dog Crepes'.'

'Our chickens are a real 'come back' story: raised organic, they hooked up with some seedy fowl, but then, thankfully, were saved by massive doses of antibiotics.'

Do-it-yourself sushi bar serves live fish to customer.

"Just so I’m understanding the menu, the ‘Old Forge wheel with rosemary-infused pancetta’ is essentially a $36 Hot Pocket?"

When Tia Carmen says... "It's time to eat healthy!" it means... "I'm only using one stick of butter instead of three."

'Your fingers are in the soup?' - 'Of course they are. It's freezing in that kitchen.'

Amy Sedaris

Avocado Timeline

'Waiter, I think my wife's calamari is underdone.'

'He's all eyes!'

The secret lives of household things.

'Mom! Instant oatmeal is NOT fast food!'

"How do you prepare the chicken?"

'Flipping pancakes.' 'Waiting with a net.'

'Well, ex-CU-U-Use ME!'

"Drinking improves my vodkabulary."

"We need a new stove. This one's beginning to burn oil."