Bar Chatters Pillows

'I was given a ton of great career advice when I graduated from college. Unfortunately, I can't remember any of it because my entire brain is filled with passwords and PIN numbers.'

'Intelligent Design? My arse!'

'Well, gotta get up early and start drinking again.'

Golfer to other: 'I've never seen anyone slice a putt before.'

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

'Bartender...There's soap in my beer glass!' - Man farting bubbles.

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation. Frankly, it beats Pandora."

"If I had been on 'The Brady Bunch', which I wasn't, I'd have been Greg, whom I ain't"

Inappropriate horse whispering.

"I giggle when I laugh." "I pee when I sneeze."

"I figure if I don't have that third martini, then the terrorists win."

'I think she just whispered those three little words in his ear - Time,Gentlemen,Please!'

'It's not worth worrying about. There's nothing you can do about it. No two quarks in a small region can occupy the same quantum-mechanical state.'

Bartender: 'Bad day, huh?' Man: 'I'll say. My vindictive ex-wife just won sole custody of my inner child.'

Death chatting in a pub - "The scythe?...Oh that went years ago. I've got a brand new combine harvester in the car park!"

'Women, can't live with 'em, can't live without em.'

'I've turned another corner in my life.' 'One more corner and you'll be back where you started.'

"Sooo....my wife and I saw you from across the bar."

'A packet o' crisps, and have one for yersel'.'

'Say! You're new here aren't you?'

A breakthrough moment for the Wright brothers. How about some wings with that?

"This may be the beer, Zoloft, Rogaine, Cialis and Avapro talking ... but I feel weird."

"Sipsies?"

"Mister, I don't know if the glass is half full or half empty. It's 12 dollars."

"I'm not whining."

"Let's just agree to disagree." "I suggested that first!"

'Yesterday her kids and my kids started beating up our kids.'

'The way I got it doped out, post-modern man is all context and fragment.'

'You're trying to find yourself? -- No offense, but if I were you, I'd look for somebody ELSE.'

"Want to come over Sunday, watch the game, and help me start dreading Monday?"

'Now his mother's gone, she's nowhere to slink off to and watch tripe on t'telly!

'I don't let her have her way... she does it without my permission!'

CartoonStock Upload"You are an all-round good guy!"

"Stock photo, right?"

'My opinion, right or wrong!'