Bar Chatters Pillows

'I was given a ton of great career advice when I graduated from college. Unfortunately, I can't remember any of it because my entire brain is filled with passwords and PIN numbers.'

'Well, gotta get up early and start drinking again.'

Golfer to other: 'I've never seen anyone slice a putt before.'

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

'Bartender...There's soap in my beer glass!' - Man farting bubbles.

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation. Frankly, it beats Pandora."

"If I had been on 'The Brady Bunch', which I wasn't, I'd have been Greg, whom I ain't"

"I figure if I don't have that third martini, then the terrorists win."

'I think she just whispered those three little words in his ear - Time,Gentlemen,Please!'

"I giggle when I laugh." "I pee when I sneeze."

Inappropriate horse whispering.

'It's not worth worrying about. There's nothing you can do about it. No two quarks in a small region can occupy the same quantum-mechanical state.'

Death chatting in a pub - "The scythe?...Oh that went years ago. I've got a brand new combine harvester in the car park!"

Bartender: 'Bad day, huh?' Man: 'I'll say. My vindictive ex-wife just won sole custody of my inner child.'

'I've turned another corner in my life.' 'One more corner and you'll be back where you started.'

'Say! You're new here aren't you?'

"Mister, I don't know if the glass is half full or half empty. It's 12 dollars."

"This may be the beer, Zoloft, Rogaine, Cialis and Avapro talking ... but I feel weird."

"Sipsies?"

'A packet o' crisps, and have one for yersel'.'

'Women, can't live with 'em, can't live without em.'

"Sooo....my wife and I saw you from across the bar."

"I'm not whining."

"Let's just agree to disagree." "I suggested that first!"

'Yesterday her kids and my kids started beating up our kids.'

'The way I got it doped out, post-modern man is all context and fragment.'

"Want to come over Sunday, watch the game, and help me start dreading Monday?"

'You're trying to find yourself? -- No offense, but if I were you, I'd look for somebody ELSE.'

'Now his mother's gone, she's nowhere to slink off to and watch tripe on t'telly!

'I'm having trouble with drinking. . . I'm getting Arthritis in my elbow.'

'My opinion, right or wrong!'

'I don't let her have her way... she does it without my permission!'

CartoonStock Upload"You are an all-round good guy!"

"Stock photo, right?"