Bar Chatter Champion Pillows

'Yesterday her kids and my kids started beating up our kids.'

"I've never been one for conspiracy theories."

'Well, gotta get up early and start drinking again.'

'Complete sentences?? Jeez, how verbose can you get?'

'Of course I'm out of touch with reality. That's what I came here for.'

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

'Bartender...There's soap in my beer glass!' - Man farting bubbles.

'Don't you think you've had enough?'

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation. Frankly, it beats Pandora."

"Hello darling, what do you do for a living?"

"If I had been on 'The Brady Bunch', which I wasn't, I'd have been Greg, whom I ain't"

'You dirty, snivelling, low down, arrogant son of a gin-swilling kleptomaniac.'

Now showing - "What's the least noisy film we can chat through?"

'I'll take back 'Rotten Egg' if you'll apologize for 'Dumb Cluck'.'

'I think she just whispered those three little words in his ear - Time,Gentlemen,Please!'

"I giggle when I laugh." "I pee when I sneeze."

Inappropriate horse whispering.

Bartender: 'Bad day, huh?' Man: 'I'll say. My vindictive ex-wife just won sole custody of my inner child.'

"I'm not whining."

'Say! You're new here aren't you?'

"This may be the beer, Zoloft, Rogaine, Cialis and Avapro talking ... but I feel weird."

"So Marty, how's business these days?" "Great. I've just sold my homing pigeon for the 34th time."

'I've turned another corner in my life.' 'One more corner and you'll be back where you started.'

'Women, can't live with 'em, can't live without em.'

"Sooo....my wife and I saw you from across the bar."

"Sipsies?"

"So,... Can I call you?"

'You're trying to find yourself? -- No offense, but if I were you, I'd look for somebody ELSE.'

'I saw the world in shades of gray once. Boy, did THAT dull my edge!'

'I'm having trouble with drinking. . . I'm getting Arthritis in my elbow.'

Full Of Beans

"Stock photo, right?"

CartoonStock Upload"You are an all-round good guy!"