Bar Banter Buffs Pillows

That dolphin drinks like a fish.

'Intelligent Design? My arse!'

'Well, gotta get up early and start drinking again.'

'Of course I'm out of touch with reality. That's what I came here for.'

Golfer to other: 'I've never seen anyone slice a putt before.'

“I may not know much about books, but I do know which titles burn best.”

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

'I like you, you've got balls.'

'Bartender...There's soap in my beer glass!' - Man farting bubbles.

'I'm sorry, we don't serve spirits.'

"It says here that study claims chimps and humans are 96% the same. What's your thoughts Derek?"

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation. Frankly, it beats Pandora."

'I feel cosmopolitan tonight, Joe - Give me a scotch with an irish Chaser.'

"If I had been on 'The Brady Bunch', which I wasn't, I'd have been Greg, whom I ain't"

"I just saw some confused old goat pee all over the bathroom floor." "That was a mirror. And that wasn't the bathroom."

'Don't you think you've had enough?'

"Hello darling, what do you do for a living?"

"It feels like me against the world but it's actually just the state of Connecticut."

'Next time you hear confession from that barmaid say, Tut-tut not COR.'

'Just as I suspected, guys - looks like we'be got ourselves an undercover wine drinker.'

"I giggle when I laugh." "I pee when I sneeze."

"It takes me only one drink to get drunk. Its either the seventh or eighth."

"Is that neat whisky?"

'That guy is SO tacky.'

A medical office filing cabinet has drawer labels that read, 'X-Rays,' 'Lab Work,' and 'Exam Room Banter'

'I think she just whispered those three little words in his ear - Time,Gentlemen,Please!'

"It's easy for me. Three beers and I'm in the zone."

Inappropriate horse whispering.

"Are you sure? It doesn't look like a diet pill!"

'It's not worth worrying about. There's nothing you can do about it. No two quarks in a small region can occupy the same quantum-mechanical state.'

Bartender: 'Bad day, huh?' Man: 'I'll say. My vindictive ex-wife just won sole custody of my inner child.'

"Sooo....my wife and I saw you from across the bar."

"I'm not whining."

A breakthrough moment for the Wright brothers. How about some wings with that?

"Mister, I don't know if the glass is half full or half empty. It's 12 dollars."