Bar Banter Buffs Pillows

That dolphin drinks like a fish.

'Well, gotta get up early and start drinking again.'

Golfer to other: 'I've never seen anyone slice a putt before.'

'Of course I'm out of touch with reality. That's what I came here for.'

“I may not know much about books, but I do know which titles burn best.”

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

'I like you, you've got balls.'

'Bartender...There's soap in my beer glass!' - Man farting bubbles.

'I'm sorry, we don't serve spirits.'

"It says here that study claims chimps and humans are 96% the same. What's your thoughts Derek?"

"Hello darling, what do you do for a living?"

"If I had been on 'The Brady Bunch', which I wasn't, I'd have been Greg, whom I ain't"

'Next time you hear confession from that barmaid say, Tut-tut not COR.'

"I just saw some confused old goat pee all over the bathroom floor." "That was a mirror. And that wasn't the bathroom."

'I feel cosmopolitan tonight, Joe - Give me a scotch with an irish Chaser.'

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation. Frankly, it beats Pandora."

"It feels like me against the world but it's actually just the state of Connecticut."

'Don't you think you've had enough?'

'I think she just whispered those three little words in his ear - Time,Gentlemen,Please!'

'That guy is SO tacky.'

"It's easy for me. Three beers and I'm in the zone."

"Are you sure? It doesn't look like a diet pill!"

"It takes me only one drink to get drunk. Its either the seventh or eighth."

'Just as I suspected, guys - looks like we'be got ourselves an undercover wine drinker.'

Inappropriate horse whispering.

"Is that neat whisky?"

"I giggle when I laugh." "I pee when I sneeze."

A medical office filing cabinet has drawer labels that read, 'X-Rays,' 'Lab Work,' and 'Exam Room Banter'

'It's not worth worrying about. There's nothing you can do about it. No two quarks in a small region can occupy the same quantum-mechanical state.'

Bartender: 'Bad day, huh?' Man: 'I'll say. My vindictive ex-wife just won sole custody of my inner child.'

"So Marty, how's business these days?" "Great. I've just sold my homing pigeon for the 34th time."

'Say! You're new here aren't you?'

"This may be the beer, Zoloft, Rogaine, Cialis and Avapro talking ... but I feel weird."

"Mister, I don't know if the glass is half full or half empty. It's 12 dollars."

"I'm not whining."