Baking Benchwarmer Pillows

"We didn't have any whipped cream, so I used foaming hand soap."

I only root so hard for my time because I hate your team so much.

"I AM at my usual position."

Kid to mom: 'Tell me again about the time you helped fortress a city, subdue hostile fire and got home and baked us all raspberry strudels.'

"The Capt'n maintains a balanced portfolio should include a number of off-shore accounts."

'Will you please stop feeding the pigeons?!'

"I have to rest. The 'check engine' light on my activity tracker just came on."

"I'm a monster."

'Radford, go in for Bloom. ... Uh-uh-uh! Finish your vegetables first!'

'I think we should leave a trail of crumbs so we don't get lost.'

"What does she have that I don't?"

''Spiced mill cider and home made apple pie.' Am I supposed to freshen the room with this or have it for dessert?'

Feathered frenzy

"And this is Joshua, he'll be a hundred and forty-seven months next week."

'I said, I've decided to make myself available for the NBA draft.'

"Nurse, I think I need to use the bread pan."

'Only the high-traffic path needs cleaning - from the couch to the bar.'

'Well, Tom, your blood sugar is way too high!'

"That's right, Scotty. You came from your Mommy's Belly."

"This man has a compliant with a pie brought to the company picnic."

Spring Training

Be a friend.

"Your cholesterol level is through the roof, you've got a nasty case of gingivitis, and to ice things off... yeast confection."

"I play 'backside'. My 'backside' is always sitting on the bench."

"I like making pastry... It gets your hands clean."

Harold Plump: 'Here I lie . . . no apple pie.'

'I'm afraid I'll have to get rid of you Simpkins. You're not good for business.'

'The New York stock exchange is up twelve and a half points n early trading. Nasdaq is down on and a quarter!'

"Tell me about these nightmares."

Whisk

"It's not April Fools' Day, so who told the new girl that she had to check the contents of every packet of 'Hundreds and Thousands'?"