Baby's First Check-up Pillows

"Your baby's fussiness, whining, and general discontent isn't anything to worry about. It should clear up on its own in about 18 years."

"Don't be embarrassed. Most heroic archetypes your age have lost the ability to swashbuckle."

"There's your son's heartbeat, and over here is the app he's developing."

"Congratulations, it's a lifetime of penury and countless sleepless nights!"

"It only goes forwards and backwards. So, you won't need a GPS."

Twenty-first century baby walker

"Same old same old. How about you?"

'Why can't we trade him to that lady for her two little girls?'

"I won't stick my tongue out. You told me it was rude."

I'm trying to read your test results from urology, but their server can only stream them a little bit at a time.

A Tit for Tat.

"The saying Use It or Lose It isn’t referring to one’s appetite."

"Soon you'll be sucking your thumb AND tying your shoes...they call it multitasking."

Doughboy Dad

'I'm even starting to watch Lifetime.'

'He licked all my tongue depressors.'

"I know — but he was nervous and his support dog didn’t seem to mind."

'You've still got the right stuff, only now it's in the wrong places.'

"I haven't lost any weight after two weeks of dieting, but my hair's getting thinner."

His first conspiracy theory...'Is it a coincidence the first time I walk, they start locking all the cupboards? I think not!'

"Mum, Dad, I think I might be bipedal."

"I think it's time we learned to stand up for our selves."

"Looks like you've been renewed fro one more season."

'Cut down on sodium? I'm taking that with a pinch of salt.'

'No fair. Someone ate the popsicle off the stick.'

"The cape comes off too."

Chilly baby.

'Great news, Methuselah Tests show you'll live to be 100!'

"If it's nothing serious' why did you put on five pairs of gloves?"

'This is a rarity in today's world. No corporate sponsorship signs in here.'

'The needle was THIS big!'

Prostate Exam Second Opinion

'But I think shopping three times a week is more than enough exercise!'

"You're flying a little bit right now, aren't you?"

"Good news, Mr. Pickett—it's just a slow leak."