Baby's First Check-up Pillows

"Your baby's fussiness, whining, and general discontent isn't anything to worry about. It should clear up on its own in about 18 years."

"Don't be embarrassed. Most heroic archetypes your age have lost the ability to swashbuckle."

"There's your son's heartbeat, and over here is the app he's developing."

"It only goes forwards and backwards. So, you won't need a GPS."

"Congratulations, it's a lifetime of penury and countless sleepless nights!"

"Same old same old. How about you?"

Twenty-first century baby walker

'Why can't we trade him to that lady for her two little girls?'

"I won't stick my tongue out. You told me it was rude."

"The saying Use It or Lose It isn’t referring to one’s appetite."

Doughboy Dad

'I'm even starting to watch Lifetime.'

'He licked all my tongue depressors.'

A Tit for Tat.

"Soon you'll be sucking your thumb AND tying your shoes...they call it multitasking."

"I know — but he was nervous and his support dog didn’t seem to mind."

His first conspiracy theory...'Is it a coincidence the first time I walk, they start locking all the cupboards? I think not!'

'You've still got the right stuff, only now it's in the wrong places.'

"I haven't lost any weight after two weeks of dieting, but my hair's getting thinner."

'No fair. Someone ate the popsicle off the stick.'

'Cut down on sodium? I'm taking that with a pinch of salt.'

"I think it's time we learned to stand up for our selves."

"Looks like you've been renewed fro one more season."

Chilly baby.

'Great news, Methuselah Tests show you'll live to be 100!'

"If it's nothing serious' why did you put on five pairs of gloves?"

'This is a rarity in today's world. No corporate sponsorship signs in here.'

'The needle was THIS big!'

Prostate Exam Second Opinion

'But I think shopping three times a week is more than enough exercise!'

'He's already surfing without nappies!'

"Take up some light exercise or a sporting activity - as a football perhaps."

"Let's split up the jobs for taking care of the baby. I'll take care of what goes in to him. . . you take care of what goes out!"