Baby Duty Escapist Pillows

'As an incentive to get you to help out more, I hid a pass for a free round of golf at Oakmont Hills in one of these diapers.'

"What do I do to relieve stress? I meditate, about not working here."

Don't you worry JB, everything is fine here.

I've decided to run for office so I can spend more time away from my family.

Fairy tale

'You expect me to play with educational toys during SUMMER VACATION?'

Stop staring at that screen saver!

'To attract the most talented spies we're changing our package . . . to jammie dodgers and a gobstopper.'

"Oh, great. The bunny runs away and lives high on the hog on my tax dollars. Next!"

"This is highly confidential, so, yes, we built a little fort."

"It's a weak pilot, but, if your stick with it, by Season 3 you grow completely numb to the show's quality and just keep hitting Next Episode."

Man disposes of baby's nappy in a toxin waste bin.

Worker to Boss: "I'd like to work flexible hours to avoid my children."

"Your Honor, we, the jury, find this one too close to call."

Will Make You Sick So You Can Go Home.

"Hon, I feel like riding out into big-sky country."

Cartoon characters unable to instantly recover from catastrophic injuries support group.

American Idle

Mom? Any chance you could take the kids to your friend's lake cabin? Trying to get them out of your house? Roger. I want to put the vacate" back in vacation.

'Not Andy. He'd rather do anything than go on the family vacation.'

Yet another family that decided to drop everything and follow The Grateful Dead around for a while.

"We outsourced our joyless TV dinners to a delightful couple from next door."

"Ooooohhhh, that feels so good. Now, down and a little to the right, please."

City Court House. I found throwing yourself on the mercy of the court doesn't get you out of jury duty!

'Here's $40. Stick your head in the shrubs and act like you're weeding. If my wife says anything to you, just grunt knowingly.'

In Case of Emergency Break Glass.

"You didn't tell the kids where we moved to, did you?"

"Lucky for us, mother has been stress baking lately."

"I've decided to re-enter the workforce so I can spend less time with my family."

Vending machines read: Snacks/Coffee/Stare out the window.

Lady to caveman: 'Watch your step - I just waxed the stalagmites.'

"Mom, I've decided to move in with grandma and grandpa."

"The scary part of retirement wouldn't be just financial. It would be having Larry around all the time."

Kid with dog pool toy reads sign at swimming pool saying 'No dogs allowed'.

"Every time it comes on I feel like leaving the house."