Awkward Gift-giver Gifts

"I'm looking for something that the recipient will be too embarrassed to regift."

"They ran out of bouquets."

'I need some help finding the perfect gift for that not so perfect someone.'

'The party at school was awful! -- The teacher didn't like the Valentine underwear I got for her.'

"Cheers! Well, this is exciting. I've never had a dinner date with a duck before." "Relax, honey. I'm just here for the bread."

"The following programme contains scenes of a very noisy vacuum cleaner."

Another day at work would be one too many...

God putting the finishing touches to the Pug.

Mighty Man Of Justice Goes Christmas Shopping Part 1

All bets are off as Round One begins in the "Dollars versus Donuts" World Championship title fight.

'Take my tip,sonny and say it with jelly babies.'

E-vac-u-ate! E-vac-u-ate! . . . I've just farted. . ."

Ball as water-melon.

"And at no extra charge I can give your old suit a Viking funeral."

"Happy Anniversary, dear! It's a gold spray-painted macaroni necklace."

"'How We Die' - fabulous!"

A watch face with Stonehenge

'It's another corporate lawyer...do we want to buy a soul?'

That must be my computer date... (Answers door to robot).

Where Deviled Eggs come from

Customer entering bank that is touting number of toasters given away

"Waiter, this is the worst meal I've ever tasted. And believe me, I've eaten some crap!"

'Oh, we have an excellent benefits package ??" major medical, dental plan, vacation, retirement, nude encounter sessions....'

I'm worried about Uncle Mort. He's still in jail for refusing to reveal his secret source? Not just that. It's his relationship with Sadie. I feel like … What? She says she wants him back, but I'm not sure. Why would you say something like that? Your sweetie made you a saw with a cake in it. Oooh.

This year Mike decides to make his own Valentine's cards.

Santa's Helpers

"Roadkill cookies"

"Pass that."

'We may need to remove your spleen because it might not be doing whatever it is the spleen does.'

My therapist cured me of using humour as a defense...these days I pack a .45.

Regifts of the Magi

International House of Excrement

'If you're out and about today don't forget the pith helmet.'

"That's $20 for you if you pluck the tail feathers off my rival over there..."

'Buy two pounds and I'll throw in the sword.'