Award Seekers Pillows

I wish Mort were here. I need help with this. You can't open an envelope. It's the national radio society's annual prize results. Someone nominated me as Most Obnoxious and Caustic Talk Show of the Year. Great honor. I need Mort's moral support if I don't win. Naturally.

'Dang! -- STILL no lifetime achievement award!'

Butterfly Woman

Lady to man taking picture of fish: 'Wiggle him a little and get him to smile.'

'Guess what? I won again.'

Pipe Smoker of the Year Awards.

'My hot-shot assistant was named as one of the top 10 to watch."

"I hope you're good, Charlie. I've only played a couple of times."

"Attention, wanna-be son-in-law ... we're losing!"

Soccer coach of the year.

'Oh no its going to be one of those days.'

'I always feel at the end of the day I could've taken credit for more.'

"I'd like to thank my family, but, to be honest, I'm pretty sure I could've done it without them."

'We're looking for an award-winning sales professional. Those are trophies. You're overqualified.'

"...and I'd like to thank all my patients for being so ill..."

They were long past their canine pasts, but the rare stamp brought out the beast in them.

Hospital Deaths - "Congratulations, you're manager of the month again"

'For donating half my property to the poor, I'll get the 'Unselfish Millionaire of the Year' medal and a supporting receipt for my allowable expenses!'

"We don�t do awards ceremonies up here actually"

"I'd like to thank everyone who believed in me."

"Here's my idea. . . we offer Trump the Nobel Peace Prize as a quid pro quo for leaving office."

Norman E-Mailer

"...and this one is for the Spritzer Beer account."

Arcade Game Baseball.

"I'm Walter Grimes and I approve this drink."

"They finally gave me the employee of the month award, but it kind of loses its meaning when every single other employee has already gotten it five times."

Most Loyal Employee Award

'Boss, about your newfound determination to focus on employee recognition...'

Monkey casino study.

'Sir Percy is here for his Purple Heart, Sire.'

'I had no idea there was a Nobel Prize for school custodian.'

'In a surprise move today, the members of the Nobel Committee awarded all of this year's Nobel Prizes to each other.'

"Great. First our funding ran out, now the rat."

Theodore Roosevelt wins the Nobel Peace Prize.

'No bonus this year, Felton, but I've nominated you for a Grammy.'