Avoidance Strategist Pillows

"This is my exercise routine, and this is my routine to avoid that exercise routine."

"Have you ever thought of just knocking this 'half-empty glass' OFF the counter?"

"Tonight we dine with the devil. But tomorrow we really need to finish what's left in the fridge."

"Hail, Caesar! The barbarians have been beaten back, and Rome is still Numero Uno."

ISIS needle in a haystack.

'My kingdom for a horse! Are you nuts? How about high yielding mutual funds?'

"Oh stop it. You know perfectly well that before every battle the enemy shouts things at us that we may find offensive."

'Look out, it's a double edged sword. . .'

Snowman has cage protecting his nose.

"Hasn't this been the best first hundred days ever?"

'You're just lazy! -- Don't give me that 'metal fatigue' stuff!'

"I'm doing a Kickstopper project!" "What?" "I was going to write a book... but do we really need another book in this world? So... Kickstopper—people donate money to stop me from writing. I won't write it so I'll never ask you to read it. I'd pay money to not read your book. Thanks." "You're welcome." "I'm also starting projects to not start a band, not write poetry and not tell you about my dreams."

"Boss, I have a suggestion for you that's win-win. It'll save you thousands of dollars in health insurance premiums... If you pay to have me cryogenically frozen and then thawed every other day, I'll get to live to be 180, and you'll get an employee who's young and productive for the rest of your life."

Battle.

"It would appear that our 'rainy day investment fund' hasn't even yielded enough to buy us an umbrella each."

"We need to be extra careful about expenditure...and I thought we could save a but by having the Xmas, New Year and redundancy parties at the same time!"

"I see many military victories, a heroic death and a grateful nation that will erect in your honor a statue that will be dirtied by pigeons every day, once and again."

"Why are you playing hide-and-seek in the stove!?! Don't shush me! This is my stove!"

Man reading magazine: 'International Procrastinator.'

"I think we should have used catapults before ground forces"

'How To Say No To Sales People'.

'He was right at his desk a moment ago.'

"Where should we hold this confrontation then?"

'You're obsessing again.'

Good parenting.

'Thanks for inviting me to go fishing, Ted. With hunting season over I was running out of ways to avoid working around the house!'

William I

"Actually, I don't mind picking up leaves. It stops me from following politics."

'Well, you knew the peace process was going to be dangerous.'

'I thought you were playing hide and seek with Grandma!'

Black belts in the ancient art of avoidance

'The battle for hearts and minds was proving too difficult, so I thought we'd just make do with heads.'

'Oh my lord, they've turned into pillows!'

"I'm not sure I can make it next week."

Norman Wisdom