Risk-averse Strategist Pillows

My 35 years of experience tell me your tolerance for risk is low...

'Your financial statements indicate to my trained eye that your tolerance for risk is low.'

'I totally understand your extreme risk-aversion. Now hand over your mattress and let's slip into some comfy corporate bonds.'

'If I had to use one word to describe our strategy.'

"We offer a generous flex time policy - you can work your 90 hours per week any way you'd like."

'And from what we've been able to determine, this is the tweak that broke the paradigm's back.'

"We made a miscalculation, but it's consistent with our over-all strategy."

'In an effort to make this sales meeting more pleasant, I have taken the liberty of rotating our sales graph counter clockwise a full ninety degrees,'

I have decided that all future board meetings will be held before lunch.

The Contrarian funds

When Downsizing has Gone Too Far...

A safe is about to fall on an unsuspecting man interested in risk-free investments.

"The last thing I remember was asking my broker if all my money had been in risk-free bonds."

"You asked to see me, boss?" "Yes, Rudy. We have a serious problem here." "I'm going to need you to stop humming the 'Star Wars' theme 24/7." "Disney is notoriously litigious. If they catch wind that you're publicly performing the theme, they may sue the cafe for royalties." "Daaaa... daaaa... duh-duh-duh daaaaaaa... daaaa... duh-duh-duh... wait, what?" "If you cost me my livelihood, I'll do to you what Han did to that Tauntaun."

For 29 years, Bert's strategy had been to reach retirement without making any waves,missteps or career-limiting moves. And it might have worked, too, if only he'd foreseen the fossilization risk.

'And now, Henderson will introduce his 25-part plan on spontaneity.'

'Haffner, we'll have none of your common sense suggestions!'

'Which end's the shallow end?'

"I bought it on Amazon. They have a good return policy."

"OK, I'll be the one to say it. With all due respect, sir, that is one heck of a big 'if!'"

'I'm not taking any chances with the water jump this year.'

They're rich but not in a glamorous way. They're Certificate of Deposit rich.

"These numbers are great! How did you folks turn our manufacturing division around so quickly?"

"If your instincts tell you to go out in a shark infested ocean then go. My instincts are sending me to a nice little aquarium out in the suburbs."

'Now, I want you to get back out there and beg him for mercy!'

Retreat. It's odd that they're urging us to charge ahead in business while we're on a corporate retreat.

'The new business plan is the same as the old business plan except that, due to layoffs, we have less scapegoats to blame in case of failure.'

"The shipping industry has a name for the bold type of corporate restructuring we're about to undertake..."

'Maybe hard work 'never killed anyone' but why take the risk?'

'Of course we're making a lot of mistakes - this is a dummy corporation.'

Investments: We have socially correct stocks, but 'wrong' usually pays better.

"This is a great investment, as long as you're not in it for the thrills and chills."

"For clients with an extremely low risk tolerance, I recommend they talk to someone with a ground-floor office."

James never left his bed, seeing nothing but danger in the financial world.

"Let's just sit tight till the cultural amnesia sets in."