Automatic System Satirist Prints

'If you wish to complain please press 2 and then select the Death Metal band that you'd like to listen to while you are on hold.'

'Before you can enter, you need to punch in the verification code so we can be certain that you're a real soul,'

"Now you can send it."

Kid arrives with CCTV camera, saying: 'It followed me home, can we keep it?'

'I don't like reading on screen, so I'm printing the internet to look at it later.'

Follow me on Twitter...

'for more obit info, go to...'

The old good-cop, psycho-cop routine.

New hyper-realistic Star Trek

"I got probation."

There's a lot of crying out there! Looks like we were gnawing on the internet cable...

How to create a password you can remember...

"Do screen doors just keep insects out, or other things too?"

Munich Security Conference

'I think you have figured out that, with today's overcrowded prisons, pleading insanity will put you back on the streets..."

"Hey Alexa, make it nice and easy for hackers to keep tabs on everything I do and influence my voting intentions."

Pop up begger.

"Today, charges that Putin hacked Trump's tweets..."

"I'm looking for a data plan that will be constantly out of service so I can tell my dates I didn't mean to ghost them."

'I was texting when my pop spilled on my laptop, which made me drop my iPod. So you see, officer, it wasn't my fault. Blame technology.'

NHS computer: Kaput.

TOO SLOW

"Parts and labor?"

You're Employment has been terminated -Smiley face lol

"Just a few more minutes. The system's down but we got a guy working on it."

'Why is there a 'Like' button but no 'Despise' button?'

It's your replacement for 'Nimrod'!

Lies on the Internet

'Who do you think you're kidding? -- Guns don't have power surges!'

Airport security - next step?

'I can't believe how many firms let staff waste time on so-called 'social-networking'.'

"It was merely a few warning shots to get the witness's attention, your honor!"

'I'm just a struggling actor. Your insurance policy doesn't cover a real doctor.'

"I don't care how much I own – there's still something unsatisfying about digital Girl Scout Thin Mints."

"Err..Hello?..Wilsons Car Sales? I'm having a little teething trouble with the satellite navigation system"