Auditioning Pillows

"You've been offered a role as a husband who's been married for thirty years."

"Which part are you reading for?"

"Thank you, Mr. Mulvaney, but what we're really looking for is someone with talent."

Presenter Auditions.

"Any previous experience, Mr. Crusoe?"

'They all want to play the star.'

THEATRICAL AGENCY, 'We have an opening to do some commercials - How'd you like to be the LEAST interesting man in the world?'

"Sorry, I meant to say "good luck", not "break a leg"..."

"Wow - great chops! We took a vote and want you in the band. All that we need now are three letters of reference and academic transcripts."

"An actor, you say? Guess you caught the acting-like-a-waiter bug."

"I'm sorry, we're looking for the voice of a spunky animated turnip and your reading is more fruit than vegetable if you understand what I mean."

Tuning Up for the Air Guitar Competition

'I was up for a part in the Producers...'

"If you want to sing in our band, you'll have to overcome your fear of using double negatives."

I can't wait 'til her tryouts for "Cats" are over.

'They're only interested in computer generated mammoths.' (Theatrical Agent).

"Bob, you're just not selling me on you essential hamburgerness."

X Factor contestant dressed as a 'Y'.

"Well, you're certainly on our short list."

"Sorry, dude. . . but you just don't fit into our group!"

Ventriloquist Audition

Casting Director

"A P.R. Intern Named Salome with the Head Shot of John the Client."

"I got another callback. My agent says it's between me and the guy who's going to get it."

Ballet Audition. I think I've just witnessed the pollution of Swan Lake.

"This isn't his audition...he's telling us about being an actor."

"Remember, you're a 17-year old fashion model. Now go out and act like you've never acted before."

'Congratulations. All but one of you has been short listed.'

"This is a blind audition, right?"

'To be honest Mr Gregson, I've seen better escapologists, goodnight.'

She's a natural.

"This could be fun! Don't you do magic tricks, Cruz?"

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I've seen that move - Show me something new! Inflatable air dancer tryouts.

Graham really wanted to play Joseph, but deep down he knew what part he'd get again.

Well, it's not my fault if nobody bothered to tune the microphone.'