Audition Survivor Pillows

Casting Director

'They all want to play the star.'

"An actor, you say? Guess you caught the acting-like-a-waiter bug."

Why you've never heard of Ricky Rat.

"I'm so efficient I can screw up two assignments in the time it takes most people to screw up just one."

"That's the last time I write my own resume!"

"Which part are you reading for?"

Madame ZuZu. Dream Interpretation. Tarot. Palms. She says the dream where I'm taking a test naked means I barely made it through school.

"I believe you'll like our company. We pay our employees time and a fifth."

"Sorry, I meant to say "good luck", not "break a leg"..."

Presenter Auditions.

"Thank you, Mr. Mulvaney, but what we're really looking for is someone with talent."

'They're only interested in computer generated mammoths.' (Theatrical Agent).

I can't wait 'til her tryouts for "Cats" are over.

"I'm afraid that following the audit, Mr. Davis is no longer with us... On the bright side, the corner office is now available!"

"Bob, you're just not selling me on you essential hamburgerness."

"You may have heard some very slanderous rumours about this company."

"Well, you're certainly on our short list."

"Sorry, dude. . . but you just don't fit into our group!"

X Factor contestant dressed as a 'Y'.

"In closing, I'd just like to say you've been a great crowd, folks. Don't forget to tip your waitress, and I hope this final number breaks your heart the way show business broke mine."

THEATRICAL AGENCY, 'We have an opening to do some commercials - How'd you like to be the LEAST interesting man in the world?'

"You've been offered a role as a husband who's been married for thirty years."

Ventriloquist Audition

"Will this job involve multiple choice, true and false, or essay questions?"

"A P.R. Intern Named Salome with the Head Shot of John the Client."

"References? Well, I just got six references from the guys in your waiting room."

"I got another callback. My agent says it's between me and the guy who's going to get it."

Ever sensitive about its image, the IRS tries a more service-oriented approach.

"Where do you see yourself after 5 beers?"

'Congratulations. All but one of you has been short listed.'

"A High-Pain Job? Yes, I believe we have that."

'To be honest Mr Gregson, I've seen better escapologists, goodnight.'

She's a natural.

"Can you characterize yourself in five words."