Auditing Ace T-Shirts

'A tax audit? I out sourced my books, records and book keeping to India months ago.'

'They all want to play the star.'

He may have a PH.D in elementary particle physics, but he's having an awful lot of trouble with the application form.

Is this your idea of a joke, Findlay...?

'You know what they say - 'Those who don't learn the lessons of history are doomed to go to summer school.''

Failure/Due Diligence

'I made a hundred on the Spanish test. Gracias.'

The Corporate Trust: 'Since we have an agreement of transparency with the feds, I don't need to remind all of you that this meeting never happened.'

"Hey, there's Sara, padding her college-entrance résumé!"

"Seriously, do you expect us to believe you put on 143 feet a day in business travel?"

Counting dollars

The IRS emptied my pouch.

'Watch what you admit to. He once tried to fine one of my clients for looking a gift horse in the mouth.'

THEATRICAL AGENCY, 'We have an opening to do some commercials - How'd you like to be the LEAST interesting man in the world?'

X Factor contestant dressed as a 'Y'.

Fed up with unnecessary bureaucracy?...what people don't appreciate is that if they don't fill out their C90D then how can we POSSIBLY know how many C90ds there ARE!

'How do you expect the Government to bail you out of your financial crisis if you don't pay your taxes?'

'Dear, the good doctor appears to have misplaced my file. Can you fax over your copy?'

IRS, 'It might make you feel better if you just think of it as a negative entitlement.'

'There it is! I've isolated the origin of the firm's demise.'

In one ear/Out the other.

Try to hold your audience's attention when giving a presentation.

'Okay... now everyone smile and say: 'that;s not deductible'.'

"You can't see a grief counselor just because you got a 'B'."

"Your first thirty days is a probationary period. Following that, we'll review your performance and consider giving you a cubicle with a door!"

I can read this audit, but HOW should I read it...What is my MOTIVATION, how do I bring these figures to life,make them sing!... Colin often wondered whether accountancy had been the right career choice for him

"The accounting change that contributed most to the quarter was adding three zeros to the revenue number."

"You may have been the victim of a mis-sold PFI contract..."

"I only have two apps on my phone. One makes me spend all my money and the other gives me embezzling tips."

The classic 'large scale corporate raider' eventually, they end up catching themselves!!

'We've gone through your books and we demand payment in cash.'

'I'm here about the tax credits for business equipment which you listed in your return as 'Betty', 'Mabel', 'Liz'...'