Astrology Charts Pillows

"I was actually born in September, but I identify as a Pisces."

"I'm going to bombard you with graphs until you agree with me."

"Let me just check my email, my texts, my missed calls, Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp, my credit score, my horoscope, the results of this latest personality test, the S. & P., the Dow, the news, this article about cute dogs, and the weather, and then we can go."

"I'll bet your're a Taurus. Right?"

"Now that I have everyone's attention..."

'I sense that someone is about to swindle you.' 'Wow, thanks for the warning! How much do I owe you?'

65 Million Years Ago

Man enters a palm reading establishment carrying a tropical plant.

Don't worry, I see babies, lots of babies...

Emergency numbers on a telephone.

"I'm not sure you'll want to know this."

'It wouldn't work - you're Leo and I'm Sagittarius.'

"You can't possibly know how I feel. Everybody likes you."

'As far as clock watching goes, you take the biscuit.'

The Big Tipper

Planting by the Moon.

"...Wow, if Malcolm Gladwell is right, we need to get a cat who's a Virgo ASAP!"

A guide to seasons in the North East

"The Chinese Zodiac told me to marry a sheep. Who am I to question hundreds of years of ancient Chinese wisdom?"

'If you had been born two days later you'd have been kind and clever with a great sense of humour.'

"Just how long has there been a maraschino cherry at the top of the organizational chart?"

"Lighten up! Your charts aren't that bad."

"I don't like space."

"We found three sort-of Earthlike planets around a nearby star." "Do you think any of them have video games?" "I've been trying to work out the odds of an intelligent species arising and evolving thumbs capable of holding an X-box controller." "Proof of video games would change everything." "I wonder what the aliens on those planets consider sexy." "Living beings creating simulated beings they can smash is the hallmark of an intelligent species."

'This New Year you will be bathed in a sea of cash!...Hand on...Sorry. This New Year you will need a flea bath for some sort of rash.'

Astrological forecasts of the rich and famous

'Horoscope, stay indoors and keep your mouth shut.' 'So, no dentist.'

Roy, if you can hear me, the Mets are twenty games over .500 and they have a good shot at clinching the N. L. East."

"I must say, that was a very detailed answer to my 'where do you see yourself in five years' question."

'We're an equal opportunity employer and we do not discriminate against sex, race, religion, age, or astrological sign.'

'My horoscope said I was going to make someone happy today.'

'No wonder I'm exhausted. Look at my horoscope.'