Astrologers Gifts

'Your experimental protocol fails to take into consideration, the astrological signs of the fruit flies.'

"You can't possibly know how I feel. Everybody likes you."

The day the sun went RED GIANT: 'Warm enough for ya?'

"Your moon is squaring Saturn, so I can tell you're shy and withdrawn."

Occu-Pie Mars

"Let me just check my email, my texts, my missed calls, Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp, my credit score, my horoscope, the results of this latest personality test, the S. & P., the Dow, the news, this article about cute dogs, and the weather, and then we can go."

"I'll bet your're a Taurus. Right?"

Interdisciplinary studies.

'Look - a starfish, its manager, its agent, its minders, its significant other, its make-up artist, its personal trainer, its secretary, its astrologer, its feng shui consultant...'

'I sense that someone is about to swindle you.' 'Wow, thanks for the warning! How much do I owe you?'

"What the... mine are lunar eclipse glasses!"

Don't worry, I see babies, lots of babies...

Man enters a palm reading establishment carrying a tropical plant.

65 Million Years Ago

Emergency numbers on a telephone.

"Of course it's alien abductions! How else would you explain the, 'November Phenomenon'?"

"I'm not sure you'll want to know this."

'Kids, today, Xerf brought in a planet that he found. Now if we look at it closely under the microscope, you can still see it's inhabitants scrambling around.'

'It wouldn't work - you're Leo and I'm Sagittarius.'

'As far as clock watching goes, you take the biscuit.'

The Big Tipper

"This connect the dots is taking FOREVER!"

"The Chinese Zodiac told me to marry a sheep. Who am I to question hundreds of years of ancient Chinese wisdom?"

Planting by the Moon.

"...Wow, if Malcolm Gladwell is right, we need to get a cat who's a Virgo ASAP!"

'If you had been born two days later you'd have been kind and clever with a great sense of humour.'

'Warning: Use of oversized apertures or antennas will void warranty,'

"Lighten up! Your charts aren't that bad."

"We found three sort-of Earthlike planets around a nearby star." "Do you think any of them have video games?" "I've been trying to work out the odds of an intelligent species arising and evolving thumbs capable of holding an X-box controller." "Proof of video games would change everything." "I wonder what the aliens on those planets consider sexy." "Living beings creating simulated beings they can smash is the hallmark of an intelligent species."

Astrological forecasts of the rich and famous

Roy, if you can hear me, the Mets are twenty games over .500 and they have a good shot at clinching the N. L. East."

"I don't like space."

'Horoscope, stay indoors and keep your mouth shut.' 'So, no dentist.'

'This New Year you will be bathed in a sea of cash!...Hand on...Sorry. This New Year you will need a flea bath for some sort of rash.'

"I must say, that was a very detailed answer to my 'where do you see yourself in five years' question."