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Mr. Briggs' Pleasures of Housekeeping, part 1

'I delete so much junk mail, my trash can icon turned into a dumpster.'

'There's a gentleman here who's concerned because you haven't responded to not one of his 12 million email spams.'

'I've got a highspeed connection and I get spam... therefore I am!'

'David, can't you speak for yourself?'

Ed Revere, Spam Courier

"It's 'She's driving me crazy and I'm not sure whom to turn to.' "

Spam.

"You say you know at last where you made the wrong turn in your life. You never told me you made a wrong turn in your life."

"I hypnotized him into exercising every time he gets a spam in his inbox. He works out 50 times a day."

Even though I'm on the do-not-call-list telemarketers manage to ruin my hibernation again.

"Your compulsive talk about crazy diets, get rich schemes, and mail order drugs -- your pacemaker's been hacked and you're spamming."

'Oh no! We're being spammed again!'

'No dear, there's no post - only junk mail.'

Pandora's Inbox

"Clean your browser history, mate?"

'He's our Spam expert!'

"I know what the 'e' in 'email' stand for...endless."

"Would you believe it, that pensions liberation plan was just an on-line scam..."

"I told mom I won't answer her calls in case a scammer got her number."

"Mmm, Spam."

May I propose a political theory? Not now, dear. I shouldn't even have to ask you Snookums. If I've got a theory about the world, I should just be able to say it. That's part of being in a relationship. I should be able to talk and know that you're going to listen to me. I'm still pontificating! Come back here!!!

"What do you mean 'Get her to stop'?...Your baby's a human being and she already has things she wants to tell you. Crying is the only language she knows. Just hold her tell her 'I hear you'...and grow a thicker skin! Baby tears aren't little grenades, loser!"

"I'm here to protect your data!"

'You need to be more accessible to your employees... so you'll need to get rid of the moat.'

"All ok. Wait, let's see what google remembers..."

'Wow! I've got one from someone I know!'

"Handwrite and mail grandma's thank you note instead of texting? I don't have this kind of time!"

"Perhaps, in the name of mutual respect, you could call your husband something other than your minion."

'We need to add an eleventh - 'thou shalt not spam.'

Spam on Mousetrap

'We're sorry. Your answer to your secret question was incorrect. Your bank account has therefore been erased from our banking system.'

"Pssst! Wanna buy back your browser history?"

'Don't act too adorable...we'll be half naked on the internet before we even know what privacy is!'