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Ghostwriting the Bible

'Yes, all at once!'

Benedict & Associates: Communication Strategies, Lobbying. . .

"And almighty God said to Adam, 'Get a room already will ya!'" "Little known fact from the Book of Genesis."

"It's your final warning...Quit playing the 'Beverly Hillbillies' theme song"

"My name's God, and I approve this message."

Gates of heaven

'The company was quite generous. They gave me a whole day off for the funeral.'

"At the time I thought it was a goose."

'All the tellers are nuns.'

The Old Enemies - Catholics and Protestants

Father Sinead takes confession.... "You did F%!&>$G what, you C%*T!"

Does this mean we lose our security deposit?

"The Brother printer is out of ink."

'This is for the V.A.T.- the Vicar's Autumn Treat!'

'I would have been here sooner, if not for a wonderful, caring, competent doctor.'

"Well. . . the cost of living was getting too high, so. . ."

About to take a triumphant departure from Ireland, Saint Patrick set his sights on world domination. That is, before his focus was diverted by a small harmless looking beverage.

'Don't be too hard on sinners. If it weren't for sinning, we'd all be out of work!'

'How nice! -- They're making a ten-part miniseries about the Bible!'

Holy Relics.

"It's Irv Pelton, Mr. Mather, from the Voice Crying in the Wilderness Department."

"Well, well, well! Your parents certainly messed up when they named you, didn't they, Angelo?"

"The only problem with Heaven is there's nowhere to hang stuff."

'I‘ll be relieved when they invent the aeroplane, these long trips are playing havoc with my wings'.

"Do I get double bubble Sundays?"

Atheist United - A Non-Prophet Organization

Heaven Has VIP

'Adam, are you sure this what He meant by 'being fruitful and multiplying'...?'

'Father, thank God you're here. This kid I possessed is creeping me out, now get me outta here!'