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'And quit telling me to get a life. You know perfectly well it's too late for that.'

'One really nice thing up here is that it's always very easy to get an audience with a Pope.'

Heaven

"At the time I thought it was a goose."

"Look, Mom! A broadband digital subscriber line followed me home. Can we keep it?"

'Telling me He works in mysterious ways!'

"This is Heaven, you idiot. Everything's perfect. There is no suggestion box."

'I would have been here sooner, if not for a wonderful, caring, competent doctor.'

'How nice! -- They're making a ten-part miniseries about the Bible!'

'Don't sweat it - We grade on the curve.'

'Please hold for an eternity...'

Death of the pope.

"I hate this damn thing!"

"Don't feed them! It makes them dependent."

'Oh, sure-- we're immortal SO FAR.'

"Look, I know you think you've got the stuff, but I'm telling you: walk God."

"I couldn't take it with me, so I came back."

"Care to try the dip? It's posthummus."

"Free wifi and unlimited refills are nice, but frankly, I expected more."

"You received your rewards on earth."

'Just sayin' it was a lot more relaxing around here before they invented ‘the Cloud.''

"User name and password?"

"Which countries have you visited recently?"

"Ah...a newcomer to Heaven, I see."

'I was an overachiever.'

"No prizes for guessing who's been sucking up to the boss!"

'I would have taken it with me but the Inland Revenue got it all before I left.'

'Turns out it was starve a cold, feed a fever.'