Altruist In Training Gifts

Alms Bank

"Rich guys are ruthless. They give no quarter."

"What I do is pick up the morning paper, go through it carefully, and then, depending on how I feel about things, I either say the Pledge of Allegiance, stand there and do nothing, or walk out of the classroom."

"I'm in nonprofit work for the money."

Juniors Baby Sitting Service.

"Me? I have a strong urge to devote my life to making the world a better place for all humanity."

Zorro as a child.

Lemonade without borders.

'It's called a 'hat' -- you tip it to women instead of hitting them over the head with a club.'

"It's one mile as the crow flies, ten miles as the lost hiker bushwhacks."

The Poor Man Donating Love to the Rich

"The butler did it!"

Vampire Blood Donor - I've never done this before.

"Okay, we've donated to the Food Bank, Feed the Hungry, Food for Life, Hunger Helpers, Starving World, Second Helpings. . . is anyone else getting hungry?"

"Despite your good intentions, you failed to report it as income!"

Help - "What's in it for me?"

"Young man, you're the only one who bothered to stop!"

The Street Kid at Christmas.

'We did everything together this summer. He got fleas and I got poison ivy.'

Santa Claus donates blood.

One in ten Minnesotans live with hunger.

Water carriers/bearers.

'Public spirited mathematician comes to work every weekend to do some pro bono equations'

"I'm a do-gooder, Maggie. It's not easy."

Please give U.S. Fire & Flooding Victims

"We steal gold from the rich and sell it to a metals broker. They make a prfit on their buy and sell spread and share a portion of that with us. Then, after the skimming and the rebates, we give to the poor."

"This is exactly why I oppose free hand-outs."

"You do pro bono work, I work for a non-profit, we both do volunteer work... that's why we need food stamps."

'I've changed my mind, I'm using all mine!'

Bums Without Borders

"It says here that you gave a lot of money to both parties and neither expected nor received anything in return. Very nice, but we'll have to put you in the crazy section."

Philosophical Doomsayers.

"I've donated blood fourteen times. . .!"

'It's good that you enjoy volunteerism. This job pays just about nothing.'

"When I win the lottery, I'll be an agent of goodness...giving every last penny to needy children, the homeless, and the sick and destitute of the world."