Alpha Nurturer Gifts

I'd like to announce the debut of my new manual: "Randy's Guide for Raising an Alpha Child." I'd like to, but I can't. You see, in recent years we've replaced concrete and dirt playgrounds with bouncy rubber. And we've started arresting parents who let their kids explore the world by playing outside on their own. Somehow, it's become illegal to raise an alpha child.

The Jeopardy of Progress

What are you giving Mother Earth this year?

'What motivated you to become a environmentalist?'

Bird feeding chick that is nesting in a knight's helmet

A midwife holding a baby

North Pole

'You call it a bra. I call it excess packaging.'

Allotment

'I want to make a positive environmental statement - What do you suggest I order?'

"Cheery little flowers, saying good night, saying good morning!"

'I used to do that, but it just grows again.'

"Now our contestant will try to guess which of you is the very last individual of your species."

How can he sleep so comfortably knowing that pillow will someday be clogging a land fill...

Garden Shop - Top Soil, Bottom Soil (manure)

Organic Produce: No Pesticides, Herbicides or Bad Vibes.

Bird Torture.

Just Stop Boil

An old man growing berries

Insect extinction

"Bob! Your manure's here!"

'That plant food really works!'

Population rocket

Nature Lovers

'Now I am become life, creator of worlds."

F&E Nursery. I've heard that plants have intelligence. Give me your smartest plant. A cactus is the sharpest plant around!

'You think it's easy, being married to a man who thinks of nothing but his work?'

Mother's Love

'Don finally figured out a way to keep the squirrels from getting at the bird feeder.'

'I'll just put them here until the danger of frost passes - probably next April'

"You must have a green thumb."

Man transplants plant in his garden.

Earth Mother

Mom, I think you're carrying us too much.

'It took years of therapy before I became the Bluebird of Happiness.'