Alien Conspiracist Pillows

Translation: "Let's turn off the invisibility shield just long enough to freak 'em out."

'If this drilling goes on they are going to find my stash of Martian Dollars I buried as a hedge against inflation.'

"You left this on our ship."

Elevator Music

Pentagon Science Contest: '...It's a contest by the pentagon. They're gonna pay out half a million bucks to someone who comes up with the best idea on how people could travel to another solar system.'

'Take me to your computer.'

The Huge-Underground Vat theory of why all wonton soup tastes exactly the same.

'Take me to your auto body shop.'

'...it's some distance away - but there are lots of 'em and they're edible.'

Dustbin monster.

"Listen, that's a Tang Dynasty urn we just broke."

'Remember when the authorities were notified when we were spotted? Now nobody cares. They think we're drones.'

"No threat detected. Their vast resources are spent on lasers that combat wrinkles and unwanted hair."

"Well, if I didn't send away for an entry application to the cat show, and you didn't send away for an entry application, who did?"

Robot Attack in Bath

'...and then these two-eyed creatures took me from my spaceship to a four-wheeled vehicle. Nobody believes me. But you do, don't you doc?'

"They discovered an Earthlike planet, and it's close." "Earthlike?" "Does it have oceans and beaches and sensual ladies who like to gaze at sunsets?" "It may have liquid water. And it's orbiting a red dwarf, so it'll always look like sunset." "But is there anyone there to whisper sweet nothings to?" "I know a guy at NASA. If they send a probe, maybe he could add your dating profile."

'Oh, nothing's wrong -- I just expected Earthlings to be taller, that's all.'

Another archaeological site where some believe ancients had help from aliens.

'Your resume certainly includes a lot of UFO abductions....'

"Take us to your most influential power couple."

'Of course we're not going to experiment on you. We needed another hand for our bridge game.'

'Graze in perfect circles. It drives people crazy.'

Cat scratch fever

"If they figure out how to clone humans, we're screwed."

"Take us to your leader!"

Alien Shopping List: Milk, Bread, Bin Bags, Earthling.

"Sir, there's a crack in our lens!"

I knew we didn't have enough blocks for this thing.'

'We're not going to Roswell again, it's such a tourist trap.'

"On what planet do you imagine this would be funny?"

Daylight Savings Time Issues On Other Planets

"There's something different about that crop circle..."

"I'm not sure if this proves there was intelligent life on this planet or not."