Alien Conspiracist Pillows

Translation: "Let's turn off the invisibility shield just long enough to freak 'em out."

'If this drilling goes on they are going to find my stash of Martian Dollars I buried as a hedge against inflation.'

"You left this on our ship."

Elevator Music

'Take me to your computer.'

Pentagon Science Contest: '...It's a contest by the pentagon. They're gonna pay out half a million bucks to someone who comes up with the best idea on how people could travel to another solar system.'

The Huge-Underground Vat theory of why all wonton soup tastes exactly the same.

'Take me to your auto body shop.'

"Word has it Earthlings have been using some of our people for cruel scientific experiments."

Dustbin monster.

'...it's some distance away - but there are lots of 'em and they're edible.'

"Listen, that's a Tang Dynasty urn we just broke."

'Remember when the authorities were notified when we were spotted? Now nobody cares. They think we're drones.'

Robot Attack in Bath

"No threat detected. Their vast resources are spent on lasers that combat wrinkles and unwanted hair."

"Well, if I didn't send away for an entry application to the cat show, and you didn't send away for an entry application, who did?"

'...and then these two-eyed creatures took me from my spaceship to a four-wheeled vehicle. Nobody believes me. But you do, don't you doc?'

"They discovered an Earthlike planet, and it's close." "Earthlike?" "Does it have oceans and beaches and sensual ladies who like to gaze at sunsets?" "It may have liquid water. And it's orbiting a red dwarf, so it'll always look like sunset." "But is there anyone there to whisper sweet nothings to?" "I know a guy at NASA. If they send a probe, maybe he could add your dating profile."

'Oh, nothing's wrong -- I just expected Earthlings to be taller, that's all.'

Any news on that star that might have a Dyson sphere around it? Nothing new. I mean, they discovered the star's probably been dimming ever since 1890, which could lend credence to the notion an alien race has been building a Dyson sphere. By they discovered that a few months ago. There's been nothing since then, so ... whatever. Must be nothing there. They should do a study to see how long it takes your attention span to dim. What? Why? What're we talking about?

"Take us to your most influential power couple."

Another archaeological site where some believe ancients had help from aliens.

'Your resume certainly includes a lot of UFO abductions....'

'Of course we're not going to experiment on you. We needed another hand for our bridge game.'

'Graze in perfect circles. It drives people crazy.'

Cat scratch fever

"Take us to your leader!"

"Sir, there's a crack in our lens!"

Alien Shopping List: Milk, Bread, Bin Bags, Earthling.

I was just watching a Youtube video called "How a Lack of Bird Poop Proved the Big Bang." It wan about how removing all sources of interference from a huge radiation detector led to the discovery of cosmic background radiation. They'd removed everything that might've been messing up the readings, and the last thing they removed was bird droppings. Then they knew the signals were real, and from space. I'm gonna have to watch that for myself, I'm not sure you've got all the details right. I was di

"If they figure out how to clone humans, we're screwed."

I knew we didn't have enough blocks for this thing.'

'We're not going to Roswell again, it's such a tourist trap.'

"On what planet do you imagine this would be funny?"

"There's something different about that crop circle..."