Clone Conspiracist Pillows

"If they figure out how to clone humans, we're screwed."

Elevator Music

The Huge-Underground Vat theory of why all wonton soup tastes exactly the same.

'If this drilling goes on they are going to find my stash of Martian Dollars I buried as a hedge against inflation.'

"Listen, that's a Tang Dynasty urn we just broke."

"No threat detected. Their vast resources are spent on lasers that combat wrinkles and unwanted hair."

"Make it look like nine accidents.'

"The human is back - act normal."

'You can't be CEO, I am!'

'I baked it especially for you.'

"Are you going to the paper-shredding after?"

I rented a car from Hertz the other day, and there was a camera in it. Really? Someone forgot their camera? No, I mean in the dashboard. There was a little camera pointed at me. I have no idea who or what was watching me. Maybe it was Hertz. Maybe it was the NSA. Maybe it was for American Idol auditions. To cover all my bases, I sang the Star-Spangled Banner the whole drive. I'm never renting from Hertz again.

'Watch her, she's a whistle blower!'

"There's something different about that crop circle..."

'What a beautiful baby.'

'Try not to cause panic - it spoils the meat.'

*Translation: "M'eh-lahni-ah... your mission begins. Depart for 'Earth' and await your instructions".

"I'm not sure if this proves there was intelligent life on this planet or not."

"Our surveillance shows that young Earthlings have portable devices for the purpose of showing funny cat videos."

"It looks like we've moved way past condition red!"

"It's a lot easier to throw someone under the bus when you have the app."

"Paul turn off your flashlight. There's a real interesting star cluster I'm trying to get a picture of."

'Went in for a simple blood test and got cloned by mistake.'

'If you can hear this you have been abducted.'

"I'm from the president's office. We want you to develop a truth drug."

"Wow, grandma. What big video surveillance files you uploaded of me on my way to your house."

Translation: "Let's turn off the invisibility shield just long enough to freak 'em out."

Ok, you were right, we should invade AFTER the meek inherit the Earth.

'Did I get this right? You bet 1,000,000,- that the Earth will get destroyed within the next three hours and if you win, I can keep the money to myself?? WOW!! Good luck, man! GOOD LUCK!!'

Where have you been all night?

'Here we go again...'

Jones,Jones,Jones,Jones,Jones,Jones,& Jones, cloning research.

'Mam, we're from the Monsanto Corporation. Your tomato plant is in violation of a number of copyrights.'

"I'll have what everyone else is having."

Susan Collins Has All the Faith in the World