Afterlife Ponderer Pillows

"You had good intentions. Let's find you a nice job paving roads."

'Whenever I complained that my feet were killing me, nobody believed me.'

'Oh, dear! — your baptismal certificate was never notarized!'

'You didn't think you could get away from us that easily, did you?'

'It's all her on your facebook page.'

"I'd have been here sooner if it hadn't been for early detection."

"Ready? It's your bloopers tape."

"How did you hear about us?"

"They're not taking any chances, we have to wait two weeks to get in."

"Without a Facebook presence there's no evidence that you ever existed."

'So what did you die of?' Reply - 'Alcoholism...and you?' Reply - 'Nationalism.'

'Hey, don't look at me -- I was AGAINST free will.'

'Nothing Personal...but I got to Pay Paul.'

'You make 23,725 little mistakes, they never let you forget it.'

'Sorry, you can't take it with you...that includes your iphone.'

"Curiosity?"

'The last thing I remember is being dragged to some dumb recital I said I wouldn't be caught dead at!'

'These days it isn't enough to be qualified in just fire or brimstone. Today you have to be proficient in both.'

'I don't want this job. I worked all my life and retired. I like being retired.'

Your Good Intentions at Work

"Halfway through the upload it crashed."

'When I die please cremate me and send my ashes to the tax office. Write on the envelope, now you have everything.'

'It's a nice place most ways, but it takes forever to accumulate seniority!'

"If I had it to do over again I definitely wouldn't have been cremated."

'I've led an exemplary life! - when will you let me in?'

'You spent the past 60 years collecting little porcelain figurines. I, for one, thank God you can't take it with you.'

'If it's any consolation, we're the worlds foremost meritocracy: no pain, no gain,'

That Was Weird

"I know you've been together a long time, but I'm sorry... Your microbiome can't follow you in."

The Entrance to Limbo...

'English?...do...you...speak...ENGLISH?'

'You know, you're really screwing with my preconceived notions.'

He Took It With Him.

'Well, of course you're upset ? you should never watch your own autopsy!:

"It's God. Are you in?"