Adulting Satirist Gifts

'Actually, I learned a lot in college, but there are very few job openings out there for expert beer drinkers.'

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

They're Not Just That Into It

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

"Actually, it's more like a mouse race."

Sock Puppet in Literature

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

Dolestart - A New Initiative

'Secondhand smoke.'

"'Burned out,' Parker?- I wasn't aware you ever even 'caught fire.'"

"Amazing, eh? Good-looking, dependable, trustworthy, inflatable."

"You can huff and puff all you want. The house is foreclosed and belongs to the bank."

'Job satisfaction is up, because there are fewer jobs.'

"I hacked into Santa's computer and discovered we're not on his naughty list. I feel we're letting our generation down."

'Don't believe everything you read.'

"I hear Presbyterian is the new Methodist."

"Thank god for Sudoku."

Litigious Bo Peep

'I often commit the sin of pride, Reverend. I imagine myself being googled.'

"My youngest is at the age when she can barely comprehend cost effective analysis."

"This job starts out at $50,000 and tops out at $75,000 after three years."

"Lionel will be watching the new Administration very closely."

Beware of the blog...

"The kid next door is doing a school project on heighborhood success stories and wanted to talk to you. I laughed so hard I wet my pants."

"Do you have other references? We feel your guardian angel would be biased in your favor."

No, Dad, they didn't give me a key to the 'executive washroom' with my promotion. These days you get the pin number to the unisex lounge.

'Our retirement plan is state funded. When you retire, we give you a lottery ticket.'

Slower than a rubber-tipped arrow,as powerful as a wind-up choo-choo, unable to step over his shoelaces, it's Copyright Free Man!

I call it "Self-portrait in Quicksand."

'I'm ninety-seven years old and I still have all my own teeth.'

"Have you considered the option of being chopped up into small pieces and chargrilled in a mid range restaurant?"

Greed Is Getting Back to Normal

"I see myself in a position where mediocrity is rewarded."

'At $87,000, I'd say this comes from the artist's I'm-milking-this-for-all-I-can Period.'

'Reconstructive surgery'