Actuary Pillows

"He's 104. He always comes back on his birthday - I worked out he'd be gone at 69."

"Hey, little fella. Welcome to the risk pool."

'Our policy is quite plain. We don't pay out on claims we can't pronounce.'

"In a way, I AM kind of famous. But you've probably never heard of me unless you happen to travel in actuarial circles."

Escaping Black Hole - '..But captain that's the pensions black hole there is no escape!'

Non-Drinkers and Smokers Insurance Policy

'You know, this is a pretty dangerous line of work you're in...'

'Is this gonna raise my premium?'

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

'So that's agreed, we terrify people with stories about living to a hundred in poverty and hope that makes them drop dead early.'

'Every team needs a role player. And your role on this team, Bill, is to sit at that desk and crunch numbers.'

"Flight insurance claims department."

Life insurance company

'How can we believe anything when we can disprove everything?'

'So he eats the odd secretary now and then. He's our top actuary and I intend to make him a partner.'

HOLY LAND INSURANCE CO. , 'Darn you, Methuselah! -- You've completely

Car insurance, breakdown cover, mobile insurance, home insurance, camera insurance... - 'Life insurance, health insurance, professional indemnity, and tax insurance.' - 'Let the bad times roll... heh, heh!'

Actuarial Tables of the Gods

Insurance quote.

'I'm sorry, but your husband's life insurance policy only covered his eighth life.'

Why actuarial humor is hard to cartoon...

"Six out of ten statisticians prefer to be in the majority."

Things seldom heard at work.

"According to my actuary tables, your loan will outlive you."

'So he eats the odd secretary. He is one hell of an actuary and I intend to make him a partner!'

"Smith, insurance co. According to our algorithms you should have died two years ago. Sorry, but algorithms don't have any sense of humour."

What the numbers are telling us

"The 'Pensions Dashboard' is an enormously COMPLEX concept involving the generation of sophisticated algorithm capable of crunching vast amounts of data."

I think this chart is self-explanatory, sir.

AIDS picking life insurance companies' pockets.

'If it wasn't for their great pension scheme I'd have packed this in years ago.'

'Once upon a time, a handsome actuarial accountant caught the eye of a beautiful commodities broker...'

'Oh no, not the mirror! This means seven years bad luck for our insurance company.'

HOLY LAND INSURANCE CO. , 'Darn you, Methuselah! -- You've completely

'Non-smokers get a 20% discount.  Smokers get a 40% discount if they name me as their beneficiary.'