Acoustic Influencer Gifts

"I was going to go to the other slop trough, but the music's always too loud."

"Tariffs love me...tariffs love me not..."

"There's no such thing as 'bad publicity'." "All traffic is good traffic."

"Just bring me something that's going to look good on social media."

"I don't post selfies because I don't want people to feel better or worse about their looks."

"I got 30 likes but Mom's was not one of them."

Changing Minds

"We've won control of the congress. Our next objective is to win control of the media."

"Where have you been? This content's not going to create itself."

"Well, the alternative would be to use your social media accounts to promote toothlessness."

'And the wicked stepmother looked into her smartphone and said, "Selfie, selfie in my face, who's the fairest in this place?"

'The ten commandments have all been reduced to tweets.'

"What do you want to be when you blow up?"

"I'm spending more time promoting myself than I am being myself."

"Perhaps more people would give heed unto the word of the Lord if the Lord had a funny blog."

Music producers.

"I already have the perfect hashtag!"

"This is off our first TikTok."

"This deserves an Instagram photo. Would you mind taking a picture of someone washing the dishes when I'm done?"

Bill hits the ground running, makes a big splash early on, and rides a roller-coaster of insane popularity right into the "Where Are They Now?" Wilderness of Forgotten Celebrities.

"Joe's cereal. NPR co-approved."

"That's right, it's @kingphilbert3rd... Yeah, with a P-H... That's him, yep, now tap "follow"..."

'Your tweets have quite a following.'

'We're an international company, Mr. Zickenbarth. We've got creditors in more than 200 different countries!'

"Remember when we were Instagram models?"

"May I recommend our Seared Filet with Lobster Cream Sauce? It's very photogenic."

"Influence this."