Academic Banter Gifts

A Mean O' Acid.

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

Molecular Biology and Cosmology buildings

"Professor, we need you to stop. The Student Union has decided that the earth is flat."

"Of course I failed you — your essay was original and unique and obviously written by a human."

'The doctor says he's going to have to give you a few more tests...'

Admissions test for the Danbury Institute of Philosophy

Personnel. I've heard of "magna cum laude" and "summa cum laude," but I've never heard of a person graduating "persona non grata." (Published originally on June 3, 1981.)

T.S. Eliot lacks the courage to eat a peach.

'And in conclusion.'

'In conclusion, I hope you all go out there, get well-paying jobs, and give lots of tax-deductible gifts to our alumni fund.'

'Yes, your papers seem to have lots of citations, but I've checked: They're all self-citations...'

'Physical or Social Science?'

"I wanted to deliver a message of hope and tolerance in a complex global society but I decided to update them on the Kardashians instead."

'Spelling, math, history, geography --now the stupid school wants me to take a polygraph test!'

"Dad, the dean has gone over your financial statement, and he doesn't think you're working up to your full potential."

Chaos Theory Conference.

'If asked, we should all agree that this seminar never happened.'

'Is there a God? God knows...'

"Let's just drop it, Andrew, and leave it to future historians to decide which of us was right."

"For the hundredth time—I have no idea how to make crystal meth."

'Too many students taking Mickey Mouse subjects.'

Books on running a successful school,

The Milbrook Verney chair in literature. The C.K. Frebish endowment for footnotes.

'I didn't exactly write the article, but...well, I didn't exactly do the research either.'

"As a summation of our work it's pretty accurate...apart from the beginning, middle and end of all the words in between!"

'I wish you had chosen a more pertinent educational issue than 'Do Dogs Actually Eat Homework?''

'We need a biology instructor, Darwin, and you're the natural selection.'

"So you're saying if I wasn't so smart, I'd have more friends?"

Cash For Places - Penbroke College

"Along with 'Antimatter,' and 'Dark Matter,' we've recently discovered the existence of 'Doesn't Matter,' which appears to have no effect on the universe whatsoever."

"The problem is: reasonable men may differ on what the hell reason is!"

"Do you have this grant in a bigger size?"

Birth of the Perpetual Fundraising Industry.

"Your research is impressive, but you have too many original ideas to be credible..."