Academic Banter Gifts

A Mean O' Acid.

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

Molecular Biology and Cosmology buildings

"Of course I failed you — your essay was original and unique and obviously written by a human."

"Professor, we need you to stop. The Student Union has decided that the earth is flat."

Admissions test for the Danbury Institute of Philosophy

T.S. Eliot lacks the courage to eat a peach.

'And in conclusion.'

'In conclusion, I hope you all go out there, get well-paying jobs, and give lots of tax-deductible gifts to our alumni fund.'

'Yes, your papers seem to have lots of citations, but I've checked: They're all self-citations...'

'Physical or Social Science?'

'Spelling, math, history, geography --now the stupid school wants me to take a polygraph test!'

"Dad, the dean has gone over your financial statement, and he doesn't think you're working up to your full potential."

Chaos Theory Conference.

'Is there a God? God knows...'

'If asked, we should all agree that this seminar never happened.'

"For the hundredth time—I have no idea how to make crystal meth."

"Let's just drop it, Andrew, and leave it to future historians to decide which of us was right."

Books on running a successful school,

"As a summation of our work it's pretty accurate...apart from the beginning, middle and end of all the words in between!"

'I didn't exactly write the article, but...well, I didn't exactly do the research either.'

The Milbrook Verney chair in literature. The C.K. Frebish endowment for footnotes.

'We need a biology instructor, Darwin, and you're the natural selection.'

'I wish you had chosen a more pertinent educational issue than 'Do Dogs Actually Eat Homework?''

"Along with 'Antimatter,' and 'Dark Matter,' we've recently discovered the existence of 'Doesn't Matter,' which appears to have no effect on the universe whatsoever."

"So you're saying if I wasn't so smart, I'd have more friends?"

Cash For Places - Penbroke College

"The problem is: reasonable men may differ on what the hell reason is!"

"Do you have this grant in a bigger size?"

Birth of the Perpetual Fundraising Industry.

"Your research is impressive, but you have too many original ideas to be credible..."

'This is Dr Grumbacher, Professor Emeritus of Comparative Philology. Perhaps he could tell you the difference between an adverb and an adjective.'