Absurd Humor Seekers Pillows

"Are any of these the perpetrator?"

"What do you recommend for someone being tried in absentia?"

"It's about sex and revenge, except for a short chapter on the Continental Congress."

You don't need to believe EVERYTHING you are told.

"I now what you've come to expect from me is physical comedy, but tonight I thought we'd try something a little different."

'I told you it wouldn't work.'

'Don't you have a better escape plan than that?'

Monster Clown

'Mary, I believe in historic preservation, too, but ... '

'If only you could do this with a cow once in a week, we'd save a lot of money for the food delivery service, Rupert!'

'Passengers were on their way to a clown convention. We've 7 fatalities and 174 in hospital.'

Vampire shaving cut dilemma.

"Worse than giant clothespins, Ralph - Bauhaus designed alligators!"

Testing...testing...one, two, three...

"Sorry, Jeff. This just isn't working as I'd hoped."

"Why can't you bring me a rodent like a normal cat?"

'Now that's what I call an overactive thyroid.'

"Bad drawing."

"I never realized trying to have a baby would mean replacing the soft music and candlelight with an ovulation strip, a thermometer, and a starter pistol."

"Can you suggest a nice Bordeaux that will complement the squirrel-infused manure?"

"Seriously, Ice-Skating? You want to try out Ice-Skating?!"

Stale Ostrich Egg Throwers

True confession

Antiques roadshow: 'Yes it's definitely Silver'

'So much for his new glasses...he didn't see that coming'

'Well son, it seems a bit of a fuss for an overdue library book.'

'My investment advice is to relax, stop and smell the roses, dig up the roses, bury a million dollars beneath the roses.'

"It's perfect."

Wave to the Goldfish!

O'Leary's Monuments

'Fighting broke out today between rival U. N. peacekeeping factions....'

Hospital Food