5-a-day Devotee Pillows

"Have a banana."

'If you give up alcohol, cigarettes, sex, red meat, cakes and chocolate, and don't get too excited, you can enjoy life for a few more years yet.'

Television Readers.

"The wedding cake as holy sacrament"

'I never should have ordered the diet platter.'

"She'll have a Shirley Temple, and I'll have a Shirley Temple's mother."

"Are all Brits bisexual, or just the ones who publish their diaries?"

'You need to stay away from the pie in the sky.'

"I'll faithfully follow any diet plan as long as you also prescribe medical marijuana."

'My diet seems to be working great! Do you have any less relaxed jeans?'

"My diet plan for you is if it tastes good, spit it out."

'Humans seem to be so weight-conscious: My rider weighs himself before each race...'

"Hmmm ... perhaps a pinot noir less spilly?"

"Dear Diary: Today I ate, groomed, napped. Ate, groomed, napped. Ate, groomed, napped ... HAIRBALL!!"

"I now pronounce you man and couch."

"I think I'll keep a diary..."

'The cake timer dinged, Mom, and so did my stomach.'

'...and one 'death by chocolate', Sir.'

'My wife's on a diet. So far she's lost her personality.'

'I followed you advice for losing weight....i got naked and stood in front of a mirror...they threw me out of the restaurant.'

Waiter: 'I'm not really a waiter, I'm an actor. I'll act like I'm waiting on you.'

'…and I want you to limit yourself to 3 feeding frenzies a day.'

"Here we go again, every 30,000 years or so this Paleo diet becomes a fad."

"Dear Diary: Today I picked a peck of pickled peppers."

The Blob's Blog.

"This is the 'carboniferous' age and we're here in the 'Carbs-Are-Really-Bad-For-Us' Age."

'I don't get it! I've been exercising for six weeks now and haven't lost a pound.'

Emily's Slow Food Restaurant.

All-You-Should-Eat Buffet

"If you order from our wellness menu, you get a side of yogurt with every dish."

"Is everything ok with your Emile?"

'When does the fridge go on a diet?'

The trick to losing weight is to eat a small portion and wait 10 minutes. By then your resolve has caught up with your appetite!