Youth Coach Hero Pillows

'...And remember' It's not whether your dads win or lose the fight in the stands. It's how you play the game.'

"There will be a winning team and a losing team. Are you OK with that?"

'Well, Scout Smith, escort the little old lay across the street.'

"Remember, kids, it's not winning that matters, it's getting a clean urine sample that's important."

PROBLEM AREAS

'I know what you're thinking, are those legal shoes.'

'Does this get me a purple heart?'

'OK, now let's switch places.'

"Look, I know the other team is taller than we are...but I'm pretty sure this isn't allowed."

Runt! You'll never make the team. We'll see! You can't even tie your shoelace! Great technique!

"And the way you kids kick ass today will speak volumes about the leaders of tomorrow you will be."

"It's childhood. Your child has childhood."

Mentoring Unit: 'Go on! You can do it! You can be a mentor!'

'This game is going to be a character-building experience.'

'Young players have a tendency to forget fundamentals over the winter.'

'Youth Baseball Clinic: How To Develop A Deep-Rooted Hatred Of The Media.'

I must not erase major breakthroughs....

"Sure, Pop, I see the ball—what I don't see are incentives."

Hey, Twig! Ryan Beardsley wants your cell phone number! The divine wonder of West Fester High? Finally! My life changes for the better. He needs activities for his college apps and wants to come to our shortest eco-club cleanup. Change you can believe in. West Fester High School.

'Not right now, Timmy. First we're going to work on fielding ground balls. Maybe later we can discuss collective bargaining.'

"It's been a tough season, and you tried your hardest, son. But you're being traded."

"Nicole, Kyle, would you guys burn my yearbook?"

"I feel sorry for kids these days - they're always being tested for something"

Little schoolboy enjoys picking his nose.

Poker Moms

"Brad? This is your congressman. Get Mommy on the phone, please."

I think we got stuck with the rookie coaches. First thing -- Stop kicking your equipment around.

Moral Ambiguity

Little League Registration: "Um, I think we're gonna need to see your birth certificate again, son. . ."

"If a teacher makes $40,000 a year, and her mortgage is $2200 a month...."

'I must be growing up. I took a bath without being told to.'

"I'm class president. I need a really big airplane."

"With therapy, I've found I don't need it."

'Angry parents on lines 1,2,3,4 and 5.'

'No, you don't have fever. You have to go to school.'