Year-in-review Pillows

New Year 2020

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

"We're experienced an extraordinary amount of growth this year."

'Looks like your cash cow just got diverted to the slaughterhouse.'

'The Board has chosen you to handle the restructuring because you have no heart.'

"I hate performance review season."

"It's confusing when everybody has a pointer."

'Not bad, Ms. Newborn. But take another crack at it, and this time remember that 'earnings-per-share' is the alter upon which all other numbers are sacrificed.'

'If sales don't improve incrementally... our business outlook will change excrementally...'

"Personally, I'd like to hire you, Mike, but the company has some serious concerns about your core competencies!"

"We've developed a five year plan that includes ample provisions for another five year plan if this one doesn't work."

'Here, we started to be investigated...'

'Now, if you would all put on your glasses, we'll get a glimpse of our profits in 3D.'

Okay, start shouting them in for their annual bonuses.

"And, while there's no reason yet to panic, I think it only prudent that we make preparations to panic."

'Here are some bonus checks. Distribute them unfairly.'

'I'll review your salary next spring.'

Worried man looking at stock market chart on his computer screen with office party going on in the background.

"Your records indicate a great deal of early promise however you've apparently become old and bald."

"It's time for your performance review where I damn you with faint praise."

'I had a great year and I wasn't even trying.'

"When you're finished with your Thanksgiving

"Take it. It's your bonus."

"Our company is going to embrace cutting edge change...that's why the room is full of old white guys waiting for me to load a motivational video into a VCR."

"Let me level with you. I am a lecherous, incompetent, alcoholic, overpaid, sexist senior executive. The company has put me in your way to test your countervailing potential."

"Before we start our wages negotiation talks, the lads would like to congratulate the chairman on his 83% salary increase."

Falling Prices

"It's been a bit of a roller coaster year so far."

The Department Chairs react to the budget cuts.

'Your efforts, and the little Latin quotes you drop into your email, have not gone unrecognized.'

Jeff hated performance reviews.

'We value you in ways that cannot be expressed in money.'

"Mitchell will now review the quarterly earnings. Please fasten seat belts and place chairs in upright position."

'It's agreed, Members of the board will not take certain aspects of the annual report too personally.'

Jack-in-the-box reads 'It's almost March again!'