Wrinkle-free Aspirant T-Shirts

'I turn the other cheek more now that Botox has made it wrinkle-free.'

Bench Press Accident

'OK, the worn out carpeting proves I snack too much. Only one thing to do. Tomorrow I get prices on hardwood floors.'

'Most of all, I'd like to thank god. . .'

"I don't know which makes me happier: switching to natural gas to save money or watching the fight about fracking in order to get that gas."

The Janopause

"Okay, I'm not the fastest gun in the west. . . but I am the fastest gun in my immediate family!"

'I don't know what happened! All I did was say I went into medicine for the money!'

The Polygon family at home

'Buy this house sir, and you could be a star in a DIY make-over programme!'

"Why so sad, Pal?"

"Unexpected item in bagging area."

Finally. A home exercise system that really is a clothes rack!

"MMPHH. . . I said I don't think I'm built for yoga!"

'If this is really Heaven, why do you have a desk job?'

"I was an attorney, but I was also one heck of a nice guy."

"I know we don't have a garden, but I panicked!"

Green Fingers.

'He's at the pinnacle, but not at the pinnacle of his PROFESSION.'

The Gentle Art of Not Running.

"Aging disgracefully is much more fun."

"Keeping up with the Joneses wasn't a problem, but keeping up with the Buffetts did me in!"

"Great, just my luck."

Advanced Russian - Beginning Finnish

Male grooming.

Yoga Accident.

'So you won't be coming, Mother?'

Do something that takes your mind off smoking.

'Please make it rain on the garden but not the lawn.'

"I didn't mean to imply your laugh lines are funny, Mrs. Carpentier."

'That's it! It's mid-Spring and the Kellys already have tomatoes sprouting. If I need to shame you into waking up this year, well, I'll just bring them over to visit our garden.'

Meditating

'My last book did not have a happy ending. I had to pay a fine.'

"I try to be the wealthiest me I can be."