Workplace Satire Collector Pillows

"Sorry, Jennings, but your job performance has been lacking lately. Spike, attack!"

"You're hired!"

'Shred that last mental note I gave you.'

"There's a one-year don't-get-sick probation period for our health insurance."

'Do you think, perhaps, that we could start shooting for a few longer-term goals around here?'

'I hope you're not threatened by powerful women, because you're fired.'

'We invest so much money in training staff...it's a mystery to me why businesses would risk losing them.'

"If nothing else needs welding, Paula, I'm going to lunch."

'Don't think of it as being a yes man, think of it as being an employed man.'

"I don't care if you are the Immediate Gratification Generation. Get out of my chair and back to the mailroom."

"I realize we had to liquidate some assets, but don't you think I'd be more productive if I had a desk?"

'I like the way you handle responsibility, McWit, so I'm going to blame some stuff on you.'

"No training period, but you can purchase my instructional video on line for $49.95."

"Well the good news is that after the reorganisation you'll be leading the team."

Employee won't think about work outside of box

"The new chairman has dropped the brain-storming meetings."

'I used to commute. Now I transform.'

'Germaine, what did you do with my desk?'

"I was hoping there'd be no meetings here."

Another day at work would be one too many...

"Been following me around all morning. I think it's the new intern."

"Janet, cancel my Guido's reservation. I'll be having lunch in the office."

Friday

In and Out Tray

'Perkins, we're getting rid of some of the dead wood around here.'

'Can I call you back, Frank? A giant maggot is eating my desk, people are shooting at me and my hair is on fire.'

Please bring me a few sharpened pencils and some lucrative business.

'I don't want your input until you produce some output.'

"Since you somehow managed to get past my moat, I'll give you a few minutes."

"You work well without supervision? Fat chance of that happening in here!"

"It's okay to be ambitious but do you dare to pee on my tree, Jackson!"

"Hell, George - they even miss ME!"

Meet Grant, he came up through the ranks.

'Remember, Jenkins, I want those briefs on my desk by morning.'

'I'm delegating everything but my paycheck and my snazzy office to you.'