Workplace Sarcasm Pillows

Since I took over the department, I've turned it around 360 degrees.

'Do you think, perhaps, that we could start shooting for a few longer-term goals around here?'

'I hope you're not threatened by powerful women, because you're fired.'

'You forget, I'm a blackbelt in powerpoint.'

"I was hoping this presentation would be more interesting upside down."

"Well, ordinary men have colleagues. Successful men have victims."

'The History Channel is all reruns.'

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

"So we are agreed then, most of the targets we've set staff are completely unreasonable and we should just scrap them."

"It's clear to me that you want to go far with this company."

"Worst case of month-end burnout I ever saw."

"If nothing else needs welding, Paula, I'm going to lunch."

'Don't think of it as being a yes man, think of it as being an employed man.'

"You've proven your worth a hundred times over. Let's try for a thousand."

"I realize we had to liquidate some assets, but don't you think I'd be more productive if I had a desk?"

'I like the way you handle responsibility, McWit, so I'm going to blame some stuff on you.'

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

"No training period, but you can purchase my instructional video on line for $49.95."

"I've no idea. Maybe it's the slumber channel."

"Well the good news is that after the reorganisation you'll be leading the team."

Employee won't think about work outside of box

'Sorry, suffering from burnout return in a week.'

"So, you say I'll be doubling the numbers of animals I kill?"

"How's your insomnia?" "Bad, I can't even fall sleep during meetings."

'What happened to that efficiency report? I had it in my hand not two minutes ago.'

"The new chairman has dropped the brain-storming meetings."

"If you could be in any cubicle, which one would it be?"

"You're a strong, virile stallion of a man, Randy. Has anyone ever told you that?"

"On the plus side, I finally have a key to the executive washroom."

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

Food Chain, Inc: 'UP...DOWN'.