Workplace Philosopher Pillows

". . . So what's with bosses these days? It seems like I can never find a good one."

"I think we're all agreed that we need to focus 110% on meeting strategic corporate goals."

'Thanks, Brian, for your thoughtful and constructive proposal. Without further ado, we'll now dive into malicious, envy-based criticism, character assassination and petty bickering!'

'Don't worry about doing the right thing. There'll be plenty of time for that when you're fired,retired,or reincarnated.'

Your supervisor says you've been giving 100%, but at the rate of 20% each day.

"Meanwhile, obsessing about productivity is way up."

"For the last time, Crawford, our firm is 'warm and fuzzy,' not 'touchy-feely.'"

'If you really must know, I didn't give you a bonus this year because you're small,weak and I know I can take you.'

'Come on, you can always fit one more.'

I will not be off sick so often. "We find formal disciplinary action most effective in this firm."

'And then, get this: she tells me I compartmentalize my feelings!'

'I'm afraid you don't have the leadership qualities we're seeking.'

"This part about accepting the things I cannot change...I want that changed."

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

"Brodman, after giving it much thought, I've decided to let you go for no apparent reason."

'Company policy is to treat all our clients badly.'

"I hate goodbyes too, Larry, but I'm just going to get a coffee"

'Remember, Hannon, give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll have no further use for you.'

'Jill's right. 'We offer a challenging work environment' sounds better than 'Welcome to the salt mines.''

'Bill, we've decided to send you back to the minors for a while so you can brush up on your delegating!'

Workers family tree.

'Our mission statement should be clearer once we figure out what the hell we do.'

'Jenkins, the company feels it's time we offered you the opportunity tofind a better job...'

The role of administration.

'I like people.. but not a whole lot.'

"Here's the brain-teaser of the day: If an outsourced part-time temp falls in the hall, does anyone hear it?"

You've been with us for over forty years now, Withers...why?

'To Err is human...but to forgive is against company policy!'

"That idea of yours has saved the company millions. And I'm going to see to it that you get ?1.00 a week raise!"

"Race, gender, and sex are off limits, but the last time I looked you can still discriminate on the basis of food preference."

Innovation Stops Here

'Oh, that's John, who is always claiming that no one in the company hierarchy knows he's even here.'

'Do you prefer rosy rhetoric or the plain truth that I'm firing you?'

'You can stop worrying about job burnout.'

"Alright, fire me. But I'm taking back your "World's Greatest Boss" coffee mug!"