Workplace Joke Lover Pillows

'Hey, cheer UP, Bert! It's Wednesday... Hump Day!'

'You wanted to see me when I woke up?'

"I was just going to say, 'Well, I don't make the rules.' But, of course, I do make the rules."

"I spent all day learning productivity hacks"

'I hate leaving work when I feel I could have delegated more.'

'Let me worry about the one percent inspiration, you just take care of the 99 percent perspiration.'

'Senior management wanted me to raise morale so I made Lionel from accounts 'office jester'!'

"Hold my calls, Kimberly. I'm with a ball of string."

'I'm promoting you to project coordinator because you seem to have an overall view of things.'

'What's wrong now?'

'Does your mother know you keep a messy office?'

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

"It used to Casual Friday. Now it's Furlough Friday."

'I have much less stress since I replaced my in box with a paper shredder.'

'We have a strict don't-ask-don't-tell policy for salaries.'

'You'll get five paid sick days, plus an additional two when you're shedding your skin.'

Well, I see Wilcox is finally using his head...as a paperweight!

"I made money the old fashioned way. I inherited it."

'Stop saying 'how high?' until I say 'jump'.'

"The company is very keen on diversity, could you reapply as a woman?"

'What a CV - if you can write memos like this you'll go far in our organisation.'

'You earned this corner office by cutting corners...'

"Hire a cost cutting, bad-guy consultant to turn me into a good guy during the layoffs."

'I'm sure he was a great guy, but there's a new Pharaoh in town.'

'You can drop all the hints you like, Jones. We're not buying you a computer.'

'I give this one about three months...'

'One final question: Have you ever been disciplined, investigated or suspended for integrity on the job?'

'Can I call you back, Frank? A giant maggot is eating my desk, people are shooting at me and my hair is on fire.'

'Say, our stress control seminar worked! Our sales are way down...but so what if they are.'

"Bill is in charge of our Ethics Department."

'The good news is we're projecting a profit. The bad news is, none of us will be alive then.'

'We will not kick the can down the road... Does anyone know how to use a can opener?'

'My pessimism keeps me optimistic.'

'I don't like our new copier, it sliced my report into hundreds of tiny strips.'

'That's Oog -- he got a haircut and a job.'