Workplace Culture Observer Pillows

'I give this one about three months...'

"And this is Jack. Jack and his wife Roz don't have pets... but they're both very nice."

"Can we talk about something other than the utensil drawer?"

"Look under your chairs—one will have a smiley face. That lucky person will be getting a raise."

'Stop complaining. You knew it was an entry-level position when we hired you.'

'Bit of a staffing problem, Boss. We haven't got any left.'

'In line with our offering choices around here, would you prefer to be downsized or outsourced?'

"Hold my calls Miss Stevens. I'm going to be very very busy all afternoon."

"I've never been very good with names, do you mind if I introduce you as the overweight guy with grabby hands and halitosis."

'Do you think, perhaps, that we could start shooting for a few longer-term goals around here?'

'Williams, we're not used to receiving such excellent ideas as these, so we'd like to tone them down a bit.'

"My email is down... talk to me."

"I wonder if A.I. will inevitably become as tired and depressed as we are."

"Staff support"

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

"I don't want a G.O.A.T, I want a S.C.A.P.E.G.O.A.T."

'And remember to emphasize we're giving them the opportunity to find a better job.'

Do Not Resuscitate

"Fill out an application? Can't I just text it?"

Bo're'droom

'Apparently, Smith's desk just couldn't withstand the weight of the paperwork we piled on his desk.'

A disgruntled employee chain-sawes hois boss's desk in two.Boss says:'Alright Smith, I'll stop referring to the employees as 'oopsy daisies'.'

'What's that? It's a leaving present for the next person who comes in late.'

"I drink just enough coffee to make me think I can do my job."

"I hate performance review season."

'Try and be negative in a positive way.'

'Pssst! Straighten up, here come the bigwigs.'

'Does your mother know you keep a messy office?'

Sign on desk reads: 'Thanks for not wishing me a nice day.'

"It's crazy here! They're all on recreational rugs."

'The boss said I never made any profits and I never found customers worth mentioning and that's why he promoted me to the company's chief bad example!'

'Hi - I'm your company perk !'

'Here comes the boss. Quick, look busy!'

'Let's keep in mind that although quitters never win, they often manage to avoid litigation.'

"Where we lack in productivity is made up by extremely low employee turnover."