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"At least you didn't get the axe."

'May contain Cnuts.'

"Them's fighting words."

"One no-trump. Oh, please, God, no Trump."

'Did I say 'merger'? I meant 'acquisition'.'

'I hate to tell you this, but that should be intensive care.'

Doctor to man: 'Now that's what I call a bum knee.'

"Love it! 'People of smoke' instead of 'Smokers.' "

'Oh, it's an acronym for 'It Doesn't Stand For Anything'.'

Hamlet: An Early Draft

'A good negotiator can stand back and gain perspective.'

'I'm just a girl who can't say no.' (Woman at a speech therapist).

Slobbish man says to woman: 'Couch potato is a deeply offensive term - we prefer furniture-based leisure prioritizers.'

When it hits the fan.

This will be a wonderful day for self reflection.

"It doesn't have a damn thing to do with political correctness, pal. I'm a sausage,and that guy's a wienie."

The Vineyardia

"OOOMMM" "MMMOOO"

"Till now I always thought of the gravy train as a good thing."

I'm not wearing this T.U.P.E

Maternity Ward - Push Hard.

'I'm sorry but we don't make hay until the sun shines.'

'Are you kidding? I haven't seen any big bucks since I quit my union job.'

Viking in the dock: His barrister says: 'Your honour, my client was simply expanding his business interests. We object to the use of the word 'pillaging'.'

"Check our website sir. It clearly says bed in breakfast."

'Ark, Noah - not arc!'

Canal Street

"Welcome to the after-party."

"Doctor Smith your 12:30 pain in the neck is here."

'Are you sure that's a medical degree?'

Having offered the boiled sweet, Dickens realised he'd struck literary gold.

Teacher - 'Good morning pupils!' Children - 'Good morrrrrning Miss Iris!'

Saying cheese 1 , Photograph of a chairman "Say the Big cheese"

"The world is going to hell in a basket. On the other hand, our basket sales are soaring!"

Laxatives - "I'm after some comic relief."