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Smart Ass - Wise Ass

"I was almost that last year."

'Don't worry, my baser instincts are in a surgical waste bin in Hoboken.'

"I never make the same mistake twice. I make it 5-6 times, just to be sure."

Dog Bookends

A lesson in wit

Know-it-alls

'Drop it! Drop the Lawsuit!'

"What a darling chihuahua! Is he friendly?"

"So the old man says 'you're getting fixed,' and I'm thinkin', you know, maybe he's gonna patch up the hole in my doghouse..."

RING! RING! RING!: 'Not the cell phone AGAIN!'

'Yeah, but tomorrow I'll be sober, and you'll still be a giraffe!'

"Yeah, I know why you pulled me over. But, c'mon. I'm down to half a pack a day and I'm tryin' to quit."

'Sorry, I don't carry cash, I'm married!'

Dog sees venus fly trap catch a fly and copies it...

Scratch 'n' sniff edition...

'What are you doing?!'

If I may paraphrase an old saying, "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to urinate like racehorses." ! !

'With Myrna and I, it was love at first slight.'

"At work, they call me benchmark."

"Go on. Throw the stick."

"Let's try it again. This time with a tad less mania."

Hemingway's dog meets Faulkner's Dog.

'I know I have a name to live by, but I'd rather wear sandals in summer...'

"He's my discomfort animal."

When the breeder sold Steve ‘a great game dog,' he didn't mention that the dog's great game was on-line poker.

"I just got accepted to Yale." "I'd jump up and down for joy but my boobs are just way too big for that nonsense."

'I never know when you're joking!'

'Sorry, we serve beer in glasses only. Not in the toilet flush.'

What did you see when you looked into my eyes, doctor? Two limpid pools. But I'm trying to control myself.

Your honor, would you please instruct the witness to stop texting on his cell phone during my cross-examination? I would, but I'm the person he's texting.

"At last, legislation allows cats and dogs to share the same litter box."

'Best bear dog I ever had.'

'I don't eat organic foods. At my age I can use all the preservatives I can get.'