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'Oh! You've passed the breathalyzer test.' 'I KNEW IT! that pub's watering down its whisky!'

"We'd like to do a song that will barely penetrate your consciousness as you continue to enjoy those faddish cigars and single-malt scotches."

"Scotch and water, *hic* scotch and water..."

"Scotch! Scotch! Scotch! Scotch! Scotch!"

The Whisky Ring Scandal Surfaces

'My mother WARNED me not to marry a Bourbon!'

'Water is a valuable good and we should use it sparingly. That's why I'd like my Scotch straight.'

'I like your 'glass-half-full' philosophy but not when it's a pint pot using a single malt whisky!'

"What do you mean 'You want a large Scotch'? Can't you read?"

"I'm filled with the holiday spirit. Single malt scotch."

'Sparky, fetch me an impudent little chardonnay.'

"Christmas - what a fuss eh?"

Sauvignon Bonk

"Now I really hate poetry."

'We like the occasional drink on the patio.'

"OK. . .stain, aspirin, water tablet, B12 vitamin, and whisky."

'Well, gotta get up early and start drinking again.'

Join me in a Martini?

'The way I see it, sobriety is a preventable, condition.'

'Plastic corks, then screw caps; when they come out with a flip-n-sip Chateau Petrus I'm hanging up my tastevin.'

"Wait 'til my Dad hears about this!"

'My luck, I buy a bottle of wine from 450 B.C. and it's still five years from reaching maturity.'

"Buy a man a six-pack, he drinks for a day. Teach him to brew, he drinks all his life."

"I'm afraid our drinking water isn't pure."

'He's holding a sign saying he's marooned with 20 cases of La Tache. A second sign: drop a corkscrew and come back in six months.'

You're the botanicals in my gin

'Which wine list would you like, Sir - Classics or Plonk?'

'Your husband? He's just leaving...'

'Which wine goes best with 'the old man and the sea'?'

'No, I'm not the sommelier; in fact, I don't even work here - I've just always wanted to try this wine.'

Wine Selection 'Here we are. Our cheapest house wine. Would the gentleman care to smell the twisty cap?'

Trump Poutine

"It's kind of sweet when they're all settled in like this."

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

'Wine, high octane grape juice.'