Whimsical Patient T-Shirts

'He's smiling! -- You must have given him the wrong food!'

Spring Training

'Thanks, but I don't expect you to chew my food for me.'

"It's a fairy simple procedure. We just take out the dead ones and put in two new ones."

'Harvey does all his own 'get well' cards.'

"We need a market icon that reflects the ridiculous market conditions..."

"I've decided to go a different way for our new health plan."

"I don't think the crackling sound coming from your lower back is as serious as you thought. Just relax and I'll have this Rice Krispie Square out of your back pocket in no time."

'And then the bad man from the Securities and Exchange Commission and I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow your house down!'

The New Age Dentist.

'Gee, Doc - couldn't you just use a rubber mallet to check my reflexes?'

"I'd better not eat any more broccoli. I'm saving room for spiritual food."

'Admit it,you've been bothering the nurses again,haven't you?

'I wonder if I can increase its range?'

"We're pretty sure it was the dissolving stitches."

"Hi! My name is Dr. Jenkins and welcome to 'This is your disease'."

"I think your problem is heartbeat-from-mouth syndrome."

'I can't take all the credit. My childhood imaginary friend picked a lot of my stocks.'

"It's your cat broker, Madame - he has a hot tip on a Siamese."

I wasn't cheating...I was getting a second opinion.

'Have any of you guys seen a crap magician with a magic top hat?'

'This is a pick 'n' mix ward - you choose your own medicine.'

IV Bags: Main and Afters

'This is better than magic beans, Jack. It's stock in the company that makes the magic beans.'

"Pick a file, any file." Dr Collins ability to put nervous patients at ease was legendary.

'I had a stomach ache, so I took bicarb of soda and went to bed early. Did I do the right thing?'

Fish king swimming around his bowl!

'I keep getting this RINGING in my ears!'

"Brick, Eh? Well, sorry to blow your house down but these days it's not wise to be so invested in stability."

With a hindsight exam result of 20/40, Harold hoped the new monocle would be less irritating than the last one.

"Don't be alarmed! The Doctor's chiropractor recommended he work like this!"

'Pick something you can tolerate from this list of side effects and I'll prescribe something appropriate.'

"Health insurance? Waking up breathing each morning is my health insurance!"

'Can you be more specific? Are you pointing at IBM, IMCLONE, INTEL...?'

Financial advice books for boomers.