Whimsical Horticulturist T-Shirts

Clowns tending lawn.

'I had a wonderful garden last year. Bark beetles, aphids, mealy worms, thripes, wax seal, gray mold, and grubs!'

'You must be Jim's new gardener. I'm his neighbour, Gerald. Had any luck with the Petunias this year? Aren't those Jim's feet sticking out of the ornamental pond?'

Excellent crop! What's your secret?

The Phantom Of The Garden

'Ah, now's there's something different....'

Frontispiece to the Artists' Catalogue.

"Weeds are like kids. They grow up so fast."

Little Farm Shop of Horrors with G.M produce turned into man eating plant

Vaccinating Scarecrow

Executive grows martinis in his garden.

The beautiful but deadly 'Venus dog trap'.

Plants to Avoid - Creeping Wallenda

"Where are the perineums?" "Aisle 3. Between the vaginas and the rectums."

"Gnomeschooling is harder than I thought!"

'Every summer, dandelions can't wait to go topless!'

With my home genetic engineering kit, I've created massive, politically active vegetables. From the left, a giant carrot. From the right, big broccoli. It was an accident, but something feels right. Introducing Meet the Produce. Next topic: Trump. Losing. Winning.

Garden Shop: Pig $#!@ and Sheep $#!@

Hedgecutter cutting a hedge 'key' into a hedge 'door'

"Can you believe we walked right past security?"

"Psst...The grass is a plant!"

Impractical Gardener.

F&E Landscape Architects. Ground cover plants are the Peter Pan of landscape design. The never "grow up"!

'A remarkable specimen. It's a bonsai oak but badly affected by giantism.'

"The scientists never stopped to ask if they should - only if they could."

Escaping Flowers

Woman Planting Flowers in her Snow Covered Garden.

"Sorry, but she says she's not interested. She just wants to play the field."

Skyscrapers.

"I've discovered why it isn't cutting the grass properly - it's a vacuum cleaner."

Mystery vegetable growing in plot.

"You've just raided your last patch!"

Venus fly trap.

Gardener's Calendar: Keep an eye open for pests

I've discovered green fingers are of little help if you've got bad breath.