Weird Conversation Collector Gifts

Listenin' in

"Oh, wow! Is that stunning or what?" "Mid-century classic. Should be in a museum. Let's pee on it." "Totally."

'Did you just hear that? We are now and endangered species and mating is now our top priority!'

Funky Facts: Monkeys.

I read on Candorville.com that was rank 29,705th in the world when it comes to attention spans. What? Aren't there only 196 countries? The article didn't just include human countries. It included the various animal kingdoms and the plant republics. Did you know that Americans have an eight-second attention span ... but the goldfish who live in little Lionel Brown's aquarium kingdom at 1492 MLK Way in Candorville have a nine-second attention span? Are you sure you weren't reading a humor column?

Tunnel of Whale Guts

'That's my weird Uncle Benny. He claims that he was abducted by aliens in white lab coats.'

'He's a blight on the whole neighbourhood.'

'I don't care how smart you think you are, you're still a bird brain.'

"So, Owen tells me you guys met in art school."

"Have you tried sitting in a box?"

First and last day as census taker...

"Norman, let's lend out the Olmec head."

"My previous patient thought he was a cruise missile."

'-but the fire's on the GROUND floor!'

"Would you care for something to talk about during dinner?"

"U R like so ded!"

I told you I lost it in the sun.

"There, there, dear. It's perfectly normal for a new bride on her wedding night to shit like a goose on her husband."

"We never have any activities that make for cute anecdotes anymore."

Furniture faux pas: The coffee table coffin

'Uh, nich tchotchkes, sir.'

Evolution...the modern-brush fox.

'For best results, squeeze from the bottom.'

'I've known you a long time and it's time I told you the truth, I'm not really a person, I'm just a suit full of chickens..'

Funky Facts: A Baby Koala is called?

"Do you have any weird sex kinks?"

'I wish you wouldn't refer to me as your running mate!'

"...while 86 million prefer grilled cheese, and 57.4 million of them like mustard on it."

'I have a B.A. in indifference, an M.A. in obstinacy and I'm currently working on my doctorate in defiance.'

You insist on having the last word don't you?

'What in hell kind of a men's room is this?'

"My wife doesn't understand you."

"We'd like to go somewhere that will provide us with a rich source of after dinner anecdotes!"

'Excuse me, Miss, but I believe that we've met previously.'