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'Someday we can be the Wink Martindale of web hosts.'

Tartine

Come dine with me!

'Have you tried our home-made wine?'

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

"Stephen and I are today's special."

"Christmas - what a fuss eh?"

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

"And I'll also take my steak raw thank you."

"Even the waiters here are organic."

'A cheeky red?'

Give us a drink that says "we're in love." Oh no, not again. Today's Special. Latte + 1hr web $12.50. We're back together. We're celebrating. Give us my darling pudding pie's favorite drink. A cinnamon mocha latte with a peppermint lollipop swizzle stick. Excuse me?! That is not my favorite drink ... dear. My favorite drink is a cinnamon mocha latte with a spearmint lollipop swizzle stick ... dear. I am so sorry ... snookums. How could I have possibly been so heartless and thoughtless as to con

Fast food. Even faster food

Dinner at the Trapdoors

"You said the cauliflower is locally grown – would you elaborate?"

"He could have been the national bird, but that was a long, long time ago."

'Do you have any catsup?'

"I'll have the Investigator's Special."

"The spoon, he ran away with the goddam spoon."

"You owe me five bucks."

"Everything on our menu uses organic, locally sourced, graveyard-to-table ingredients."

You want me to be a what? A hipster. My research shows caf

"An actor, you say? Guess you caught the acting-like-a-waiter bug."

'A little piece of advice, Verl. . . cut your sandwich loaf on a diagonal . . . that way people will think they're gettin' more.'

"You say your crème needs more Brulée?"

Careful, the plate's probably still hot.

Hello. I'm Ferdinand. I'll be monitoring the levels of bull at your table this evening. Menu. Menu.

"Something's wrong with the broccoli. Please take it back to the kitchen and have it genetically modified."

'Waiter...my entrée fell over.'

"She likes to be included, so I told her the tea is called 'Squirrel Grey.'"

'Excuse me, but do you have a decaffeinated baristo?'

Next time, a larger tip for the server and less free tax advice.

"She'll have a Shirley Temple, and I'll have a Shirley Temple's mother."

"And I'll have that lightly sedated, please."