Watching Ads Gifts

"Who is the fairest of them all? Well, Madame, the answer comes right after this commercial break! Stay tuned!!"

The Future: "Sorry, but I have to show you an ad now."

"And just like that, e got rid of Florida."

"Let's go watch TV I hear there are bowl games on."

'Which sounds better: 'now with MORE XZ100' or 'now with LESS XZ100'?'

Tree house.

"For most people, the sense of panic will be mild."

This is a great game --- All except for that blimp. It keeps reminding me I've already broken my diet resolution. Pizza. Chips.

'Och lye the news'

Please stand by. As stocks soar, our announcer is having a fit of the giggles.

"Would you mind adjusting the vibrate on your phone? There's a seismologist on TV claiming there's been an earthquake in our neighborhood."

"Joe's cereal. NPR co-approved."

"Scientists confirmed today that everything we know about the structure of the universe is wrongedy-wrong-wrong."

"Remember—we're not Eagles fans or Patriots fans. We're Tom Brady Somehow Gets Humiliated fans."

'Harry! - If you can hear me - what did you do with the remote!?'

F1 - Quit Smoking.

As Seen Watching TV

"Or we could turn on the TV and let younger, more beautiful people have sex for us."

"Then we agree. 10 minutes of your news, then 10 minutes of mine."

It's a Dog's life

"I'm the bluebird of PMS. Fetch me some decaf and turn on the air conditioner. I'm burning up in here!"

"So much for finding intelligent life on this planet."

And here is the day's news that we are going shove down your throat.

"Satan's on the line, sir. He says the soul you sent doesn't look like the one in the ad."

"Today, in all aspects of life losses outnumbered gains."

'According to the latest reports, there were no earlier reports.'

This Space Available.

'The opinions expressed by Burt are not necessarily those of Ernie.'

'The sword in the stone was just a warm-up - now you must remove this remote control ...'

'I got my degree by watching JEOPARDY.'

Sailor notices a sea mine in his foot bath.

DRINK LAFARGE'S ALE, 'He's trying his best to balance tyhe budget.'

"The Closer, Cleaner, Smoother Reaper."

This program is made possible by donations from Don and Mary Doughaberg, and from lowlifes like you who never get their names mentioned.

Eat More Salted Nuts